Please explain what just happened.
It just leapt through the roof. I swear it did. It was frozen in a block of ice for thousands of years, supposedly dead…then one drill into the block to get a tissue sample and…boom! The thing sprang back to life and escaped. What are we going to do now?
What is your earliest memory?
5:20am. We have a toddler with sleep issues.
If you weren’t an [INSERT YOUR OCCUPATION HERE], what other profession would you choose?
I’m going to leave it as [insert your occupation here] and I’d like you to as well. That’s what acting is, pretending to be other people doing other things. If I was good at something else I would have done that.
Describe a typical work day.
I became an actor because there is no such thing as a typical day. Every day I’m either unemployed or working in a different venue in a different scene doing different work…often with different people. I chose this career so I would never again have a typical work day.
Is there a time you wish you’d lied?
When I said I was available for this interview.
What would you say to yourself if you could go back in time and have a conversation with yourself at age thirteen?
You won’t go blind, enjoy yourself. And Duran Duran actually do suck and liking them won’t get you laid. And last, don’t worship George Lucas…I know he changed your young life with Star Wars but years from now he’s going to rape his own legacy and you’ll hate him for it.
If you could have only one album to get you through a breakup, what would it be?
Album? Did we time travel back to 1982? If I had to chose something on vinyl it would be London Calling by the Clash. Breakups make me angry and disestablishmentarianist.
What are three websites—other than your email—that you check on a daily basis?
(Does anyone really admit to the porn sites?)
From what or whom do you derive your greatest inspiration?
My kids. They gotta eat, I gotta keep a roof over their heads…and it’s cooler for them to say “Dad’s an actor” than to say “Dad is an aimless man in his 40’s.”
Name three books that have impacted your life.
Okay, books, I’ll give you a straight answer on this one. Franz Kafka’s The Metamorphosis, Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings trilogy, Christopher Hitchens’ God Is Not Great.
If you could relive one moment over and over again, what would it be?
That threesome I had in college. Or, should I say, the threesome I wish I had in college.
How are you six degrees from Kevin Bacon?
Does breaking in to his house count as one or two?
What makes you feel most guilty?
KFC’s Double Down sandwich. Not that it’s killing my arteries but that I probably should’ve given that money to a charity for hungry people.
How do you incorporate the work of other artists into your own?
Does wearing a pair of Kevin Bacon’s underwear to auditions count?
Please explain the motivation/inspiration behind The Thing
The Thing was inspired and motivated by the studio’s desire to make money. Oh, is that too candid? It is a business after all and I don’t think it’s a taboo to suggest profit plays a factor. Look, we all wanted to make a great film but its success or failure is going to be measured by how much money it makes so…that’s the legitimate genesis of the project.
What is the best advice you’ve ever given to someone else?
If you give me $300,000 I won’t tell the police what you did.
List your favorite in the following categories: Comedian, Musician, Author, Actor.
Louis CK, Damien Rice, Christopher Hitchens, John Malkovich.
If you had complete creative license and an unlimited budget, what would your next project be?
Getting a chimpanzee elected to public office. Shouldn’t be too hard.
What do you want to know?
Does this list of questions usually get serious responses or am I just an a-hole?
What would you like your last words to be?
This is just like I imagined it would have been in college.
Please explain what will happen.
The Thing will come out. You WILL go to theatres and see it. You will enjoy both the film and my subtle, mostly left on the editing room floor performance and you will think, “Gee, wasn’t he wonderful despite saying almost nothing?”. Then you will write to Kevin Bacon and tell him you know who stole his underwear.