1.)  When Apple Maps will be able to provide people with a reasonable route out of Syria.

2.)  If the credibility hit to the Mayas will unfairly denigrate the Incas’ reputation.

3.)  If Groupon’s decline in public value inversely forecasts an economic recovery by way of people no longer needing coupons, or if it means people just don’t want to go rollerskating.

4.)  If the plight of Groupon and the potential of a misguided credibility hit to the Incas will result in discounted trips to Machu Picchu.

5.)  If Apple Maps will tell me Machu Picchu is at the Four Corners of Utah, Arizona, New Mexico and Colorado.


6.)  When Peyton Manning will open a smoke shop next to his Denver Papa John’s franchise.

7.)  If fiscal cliffs have anything to do with my unfunded ski trip.

8.)  If all this talk about the Bush tax cuts expiring means I have to give back that $500 check he sent me in 2008.

9.)  If anyone actually understands Obamacare or if it’s like Paul Thomas Anderson’s The Master and people just developed opinions of it based on whether they liked the director.

10.)  If the BBC is also working on a severance package for Jerry Sandusky.

11.)  If the town Sandusky, Ohio and people named Sandy are going to pull an Ochocinco.

12.)  If Ochocinco has finally disappeared like GM and Chrysler probably should have.

13.)  If the effects of the auto bailout will trickle down to covering my unpaid parking tickets.

14.)  How we’re going to get all of the abandoned Borders stores to Detroit.

15.)  If Occupy is hiding out in those stores.

16.)  If David Petraeus is also going to disappear, or if he is going to pull a Frank Abagnale, Jr. and go work for WikiLeaks.

17.)  When Ben Affleck is going to stage a movie to rescue Julian Assange from the Ecuadorian Embassy in London.

18.)  If anyone at the Ecuadorian Embassy can put us in touch with any of their Inca neighbors at Machu Picchu for a different angle on what’s about to not go down here.

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KEVIN CHROUST lives in Chicago and is a 2005 graduate of Colorado State University. The Morning News published his first-person narrative on running with the bulls in July 2012, a related piece was aired on American Public Media’s The Story, and it was later selected by Elizabeth Gilbert to appear in The Best American Travel Writing 2013. He covered Barry Bonds for one of Japan’s largest dailies and has written for many other newspapers. After a strange weekend in San Francisco in 2006, he and Albert Pujols are no longer on speaking terms. And of course he too has written a book. He contributes to Yahoo! Sports, but his sports journalism career is treading water while he attempts to publish a recently completed memoir of codependency, addiction and disorder. You could be a trendsetter and follow him on Twitter @kevinchroust.

2 responses to “Issues to Look into When the Mayan Calendar Ends and the World Does Not”

  1. Gabe says:

    Ah, I see what you did there!

  2. Kathy Chroust says:

    Very clever. Sounds like a sophisticated version of David Letterman’s nightly Top Ten plus eight.

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