Issues to Look into When the Mayan Calendar Ends and the World Does Not

1.)  When Apple Maps will be able to provide people with a reasonable route out of Syria.

2.)  If the credibility hit to the Mayas will unfairly denigrate the Incas’ reputation.

3.)  If Groupon’s decline in public value inversely forecasts an economic recovery by way of people no longer needing coupons, or if it means people just don’t want to go rollerskating.

4.)  If the plight of Groupon and the potential of a misguided credibility hit to the Incas will result in discounted trips to Machu Picchu.

5.)  If Apple Maps will tell me Machu Picchu is at the Four Corners of Utah, Arizona, New Mexico and Colorado.

6.)  When Peyton Manning will open a smoke shop next to his Denver Papa John’s franchise.

7.)  If fiscal cliffs have anything to do with my unfunded ski trip.

8.)  If all this talk about the Bush tax cuts expiring means I have to give back that $500 check he sent me in 2008.

9.)  If anyone actually understands Obamacare or if it’s like Paul Thomas Anderson’s The Master and people just developed opinions of it based on whether they liked the director.

10.)  If the BBC is also working on a severance package for Jerry Sandusky.

11.)  If the town Sandusky, Ohio and people named Sandy are going to pull an Ochocinco.

12.)  If Ochocinco has finally disappeared like GM and Chrysler probably should have.

13.)  If the effects of the auto bailout will trickle down to covering my unpaid parking tickets.

14.)  How we’re going to get all of the abandoned Borders stores to Detroit.

15.)  If Occupy is hiding out in those stores.

16.)  If David Petraeus is also going to disappear, or if he is going to pull a Frank Abagnale, Jr. and go work for WikiLeaks.

17.)  When Ben Affleck is going to stage a movie to rescue Julian Assange from the Ecuadorian Embassy in London.

18.)  If anyone at the Ecuadorian Embassy can put us in touch with any of their Inca neighbors at Machu Picchu for a different angle on what’s about to not go down here.