These [vegetables] practically [steam] themselves.

You’ll never [shop at the American Eagle] in this town again.

We’ll always have [toddlers around].

When you [can safely drive home at 11 p.m. on a Friday], the terrorists have already won.

There’s no good way to tell you [about minivans].

Where I come from, that’s called [your first prostate exam].

Sometimes you just gotta [transfer] the [401(k)].

It’s all fun and games until [five years ago].

I’m not going to stand by and watch you [install cabinets in your garage] without me.

My [shirt and tie combinations] eat your [shirt and tie combinations] for breakfast.

A guy walks into a bar and [has to be up in the morning].

I wish I had a nickel for every time I [look at a Crate & Barrel registry].

No one is going to think any less of you for [showing more skin in your match.com profile picture].

You’d be stupid not to [switch investment clubs].

Go ahead, [travel by cruise ship], you deserve it.

If [pregnant sex] is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

There’s no ‘i’ in [30-and-over soccer team].

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KEVIN CHROUST lives in Chicago and is a 2005 graduate of Colorado State University. The Morning News published his first-person narrative on running with the bulls in July 2012, a related piece was aired on American Public Media’s The Story, and it was later selected by Elizabeth Gilbert to appear in The Best American Travel Writing 2013. He covered Barry Bonds for one of Japan’s largest dailies and has written for many other newspapers. After a strange weekend in San Francisco in 2006, he and Albert Pujols are no longer on speaking terms. And of course he too has written a book. He contributes to Yahoo! Sports, but his sports journalism career is treading water while he attempts to publish a recently completed memoir of codependency, addiction and disorder. You could be a trendsetter and follow him on Twitter @kevinchroust.

2 responses to “Idiomatic Expressions Used to Describe Turning 30”

  1. D.R. Haney says:

    Clever post. I once did something similar, making use of brackets, in a piece of my own.

    Don’t sweat turning thirty, if you are sweating it. I certainly did, but the worst part of it turned out to be the changes not in myself but in people my age who felt impelled to change precisely because they now regarded themselves as “old.” But the big changes have less to do with age and more to do with marriage, reproduction, ownership, etc., and the schedule in those areas is more flexible than conventional wisdom has them. I’ve never felt as I expected to feel at any age, starting with adolescence. But I think some force themselves to feel as they expected to feel, if you see what I mean.

  2. Kevin Chroust says:

    Oh I’m not too worried about it. I was just taking advantage of an opportunity to make fun of myself. Thanks for reading it.

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