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Watching The Oscars has been a tradition in my family ever since my grandma was nominated for best costumes for the original TRON in 1982. We place our bets months in advance, then, when the night of the award show comes around, we get drunk, eat too much, become overly competitive, and lose a lot of money. It’s a blood sport that usually ends in tears. Last year I live-blogged the event from a studio apartment in East Harlem. This year I am back in Los Angeles at my parents’ house. The following is me live-tweeting our inevitable downward spiral.
yo people @miragonz here, i am going to be liveblogging the oscars here tonight, stay tuned
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 2, 2014
this account follows too many damn ppl, the feed is overwhelming
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 2, 2014
brad says im not allowed to get incoherently drunk while i liveblog the oscars and i told him i wouldnt but….
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 2, 2014
this is @miragonz, by the way, for u ppl just tuning in
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 2, 2014
@miragonz, please do not smoke crack cocaine while using the TNB Twitter feed. Thank you! -BL
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 2, 2014
if anybody in los angeles has crack cocaine please email miraLgonzalez [at] gmail
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 2, 2014
lol i fucked up the nervous breakdown website and now brad wont let me edit it
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 2, 2014
it would be funny if i watched the whole oscars without my glasses on and attempted to live tweet despite not being able to see anything
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
my stepdad has seen every movie nominated but remembers none of them, not one
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
im watching the pre-show thats on ABC, fyi/fwiw
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
lego movie for best picture
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
cate blanchett looks like she is covered in lightbulbs and warts
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
cate blanchett looks like she is covered in lightbulbs and warts
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
jonah hill went to crossroads, the same high school as my mom and jack black
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
crossroads high school: churning out hilarious plus-sized actors since 1971
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
said 'people love that AIDs shit though' while feeling regret about betting on leo dicaprio for best actor
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
im gonna lose money on these bets because everyone loves AIDs
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
like 30 minutes into this live-tweet and im already making AIDs jokes #Oscars2014
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
jamie foxx, my crack smoking brother, i love you so much
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
my stepdad @CHUCKDUKOWSKI has no idea what any of the movies are but we force him to bet anyways so we can rub our victories in his face
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
non-sequitur scene during the pre-show where jimmy kimmel makes fun of two regular fat people (?)
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
@majicalcloudz ima start a twitter feud with jimmy kimmel, u listening @jimmykimmel im coming for u
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
when the fuck do i get to see angelina jolie's new boobies
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
anne hathaway is like that girl in high school who judged you for smoking weed during lunch
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
here are the bets my mom and i placed, i didnt write in chuck's bets bc fuck it, ready to loose $ pic.twitter.com/uttoh5TGqL
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
jared leto pulling the 'i love my mom' card, fuck you bro, i just lost $6
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
please nobody give jim carrey anymore blow
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
i cant even… like… im so earnest about pharell… i love everything about him…
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
im crying a little because of how much i like pharrell
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
the hobbit: the desolation of SMAAUUG http://t.co/xSwTawRXTG
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
pharell taking fashion advice from hasidic jews, hat wise
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
im screaming
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
'im gonna keep my speech short, i have 185 people to thank' -this lady
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
everybody loves AIDs
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
i thought harrison ford was dead or something
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
has the left side of harrison ford's face melted slightly… or is that just me
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
every male actor here is either channing tatum or that other guy… except geroge clooney… geroge clooney isnt either of those people
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
jesus christ some heroin dealer is making a fuck load of money backstage at the oscars this year
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
'is gravity the one where theyre stuck on the boat with terrorists' -my stepdad
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
fuck your moment of glory it's pissing me off
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
is zac efron the same as channing tatum
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
went upstairs during the commercial break and poured some adderall beads on my laptop then licked my laptop, dont tell brad listi
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
my mom is repeatedly poking my little sister & shouting 'IM NOT TOUCHING YOU' while my little sister shines a laser pointer in people's eyes
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
'i think we should murder this one and try again' -my mom re: my little sister
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
bradley cooper is also channing tatum, i think
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
harvey weinstein touched my ass one time, that was my peak
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
the oscars would be better if it was a 2-hour video montage of ewan mcgregor doing regular things like eating and brushing his teeth
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
where the fuck is george clooney
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
obligatory tweet about bono
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
feel like that book 'the goldfinch' is gonna win an oscar somehow
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
im crying lol
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
won hella money on lupita
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
i really identify with bill murray's brand of 'aggressive depression'
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
mommy and i are in a fierce tie, we gave up on chuck pic.twitter.com/U9dapc5pv9
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
i fully did not know that liza minella was judy garland's kid, what the hell
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
'pink makes me feel better about my flat pancake boobies, many children later' -my mom
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
stepdad @CHUCKDUKOWSKI just compared pink's singing style to 'alfalfa' from the little rascals http://t.co/Wr8RAQhsoS
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
oscars drinking game: snort cocaine every time an actor is on stage
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
this ~5 day weed/alcohol/stimulant bender i'm on goes out to phil hoff
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
bette midler is mother fucking unacceptable
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
bette midler raping my ears
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
the speedball bette midler did backstage was too heavy on heroin and too light on cocaine
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
jamie foxx busting out the cocaine puns like the perfect man he is
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
remember that time three 6 mafia won an academy award, that was dope as hell
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
here guest tweet from my mom: LORA IS DOMINATING. IM JABBA THE MOTHER FUCKING HUT
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
THIS IS THE MOST COMPETITIVE CATEGORY FOR MY MOTHER AND I, I GOT A LOTTA MONEY RIDING ON THIS SHIT
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
OH YEAH I JUST WON SOME COLD HARD ASS CASH FROM MY FUCKING MOTHER. CATCH ME DOMINATING
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
OKAY MOMMY, SO YOU PUSHED ME OUT OF YOUR VAGINA, FUCKING WHATEVER, PAY ME
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
'id like to thank my earlobes for holding up these earrings' -cate blanchett
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
yo mommy i get it, you pushed me out of your vagina, now fucking PAY ME
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
yo FUCK that matthew mcconaughey just put negative money in my bank account
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
matthew mcconaughey is on MDMA, hes doing the MDMA thing, he's being all earnest and sweaty
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
FUCK THE FUCK YES, I DOMINATED SO HARD, MIRA OUT pic.twitter.com/98QrOI3zkU
— TheNervousBreakdown (@TNBtweets) March 3, 2014
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