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For the week of April 20th, we offer the following corrections to our public communications in our role as a parent at Marby Elementary School.

 

Sunday, 4/20: A response to a class-parent email thread, which stated our unwillingness to volunteer for “yet another frickin’ school carnival,” incorrectly implied that several carnivals are held every year at said elementary school. In actuality, only one carnival is held, namely the May Day Carnival, which is not to be confused with the Fall Heritage Festival, the Winter Holiday Gift Wrap Fundraiser and the post-holiday 70’s-themed PTA Auction. The Reply All-sent response was also unintentional. We apologize for any intimidation felt by those readers who frequently take three hours out of every weekday for the betterment of our school and children.

 

Monday, 4/21: While arranging donuts at the Spring Teacher Appreciation breakfast, we misstated the details of a fight between the PTA President and President-Elect. The particular fight being referred to (and the resulting change in the Auction dress code, from hippie to disco, as well as a newly incurred expense to the PTA of a disco ball, which is surprisingly hard to find in anyone’s attic anymore), was a fallout of the hot mess of this year’s Holiday Gift Wrap Fundraiser, traditionally the responsibility of the President-Elect. The President-Elect pointed out that Christmas-themed gift -wrap wasn’t exactly PC these days. The President clarified that she would be damned if the Christ was taken out of the gift wrap while she was in the PTA, and that she was taking back the management of the 70’s-themed Auction. The President-Elect made it known that the old guard just needed to die out. This discussion occurred on December 15 of last year, not November 15.

 

Tuesday, 4/22: Our “Can You Believe this Shit?” post on the PTA’s Facebook page, with a link to the school district’s plan to extend the elementary school day by 20 minutes to meet additional state-level learning requirements, misestimated the inconvenience of this plan for parents with older children. The new elementary school day will now extend 10 whole minutes past the junior high day, not “just five.” This will cause the optimization of multiple-car-pool-lane-entry-timing to be just as inconvenient as before, and not “more” inconvenient.

 

Tuesday, 4/22: The above-mentioned post also misstated the involvement of the assistant principal in the school’s acceptance of the district’s decision. Though he is the principal’s deputy counsel, Mr. Lopez plays no role in implementing the district’s rulings; therefore, this was not the third school at which “he was forced to ruin the lives of the parents.”

 

Wednesday, 4/23: Also posted on the PTA’s Facebook page is a photo taken at this year’s PTA Auction. The mother pictured passed out by 9 pm in her red polyester bellbottoms, because she only gets to grab a drink once a year (at the school auction), is incorrectly identified as Emaan Hanif. The mother is Reica Marsh. Additionally, upon reviewing verifiable facts shared by the Marsh family, we also determined that babysitters are now earning more per hour in the school’s zoned zip codes than a primary-care-giving parent can scrounge out in a part-time job. This has resulted in a regrettable number of families in which parents have no life and low tolerance.

 

Thursday, 4/23: An article in the PTA Weekly Newsletter congratulating the Benholt twins, who will star in this summer’s City Youth musical “The Ball Game,” stated incorrectly that “they star in every goddamned youth production in town because their parents have, like, a billion dollars and 24-7 household help.” Their parents do not have a billion dollars.

 

We strive to correct all errors of fact. If you have seen an error in our communications, let us know via the email address found in any school directory from the last 11 years, but bloody well won’t be next year because we graciously offer our resignation from the editorship of the PTA Weekly Newsletter, effective immediately. Volunteers are invited to send in their applications, accompanied by the usual CV and background check, for this high-impact PTA position. General comments can be posted directly to our Facebook page.

 

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MAYA KANWAL is a writer, lizard-lover and the Managing Director of Next Iteration Theater Company in Houston, TX, by way of Lahore, Dubai & San Francisco. Her experimental humor writing appears in The Doctor T.J. Eckleburg Review. Her fiction is forthcoming in Bahamut Journal, and appears in Kalyani Magazine, Quarterly West and Squawk Back. She has completed a YA novel set in Pakistan, and is working on a short story collection inspired by her roots.

You can find her on: Twitter: @mayakanwal & mayakanwal.com

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