MACHER Literary-Agent RescueBy Meg Pokrass
November 28, 2012
MACHER Literary Agent Rescue has a long history of placing aggressive-passive and empathy-deficient literary agents in the decaying homes of struggling writers. We are a dedicated volunteer group, serving the San Francisco Bay Area and beyond, rescuing empathy-deficient literary agents from all over and all under.
For seven years, MACHER Literary Agent Rescue has rescued countless literary-agents from swank bars and overrated spas.
Our founder, Peg Mokrass, was introduced to the concept of literary-agent rescue in 2005. Having been ignored entirely by hundreds of literary-agents because she wrote short stories, Mokrass developed a unique sensitivity to the problems of the literary agents who were, themselves, under siege. As if fated, Mokrass connected with anemic, yet gorgeous New York literary-agent Faisa Tronk. The two met and spent days in an absinthe bar, discussing what needed be done and what did not need to be done at all. Tronk’s specialties were vast, her rudeness infamous. Ideas and explatives popped, exploded, and spun around. A team was founded.
Over time, Mokrass and Tronk formed Bay Area/NYC MACHER Literary Agent Rescue as a synthesis of this progression.
As time went on, the group grew and consequently expanded their reach toward homeless literary agents of all sizes, shapes and breeds.
Agent-Homespin, originally invented by Mokrass, is modeled internationally.
Agent-Homespin involves clinical, daily exposure to monopoly money and grocery list-making for agents with serious empathy-deficiencies.
contact: [email protected]
“Let’s face it. The book-selling business is war. War creates pain. Pain is painful. Each and every literary agent has something unique to offer. We learn much by opening our hearts to these slightly abusive companions.” – Peg Mokrass
Please consider rescuing a MACHER literary agent today!
Do they do windows?
They do only the most picturesque windows
Rescued agents are always the most grateful agents. It’s almost as if they know we’re trying to help them.
we at Macher got so excited by responses such as yours we wrote our answers in the wrong places.
So, I am back to say this: To understand gratitude is grace. You are graceful in your understanding of gratefulness and devotion. No agent is a “BAD” agent, and Sara dear, you get this.
I will say to you that your support is so supportive, it is a gift of giving.
Dear Margaret, some do windows. When they are not doing other agents.
Dear Sara. I am so glad to know that you know this. There is nothing like an agent’s loyalty and gratitude. The only way to get it, these days, is to adopt one. Sprinkle hope this Christmas with your lovely thoughts while your adopted agent bastes your bird.. Thank you for your support, yet again.
I have heard the scrubbing floors on all fours is quite therapeutic. I will selflessly provide my own floors for this therapeutic endeavor.
Dear Meaty, this is very kind. This is so damn kind. Thank you in advance. There will be no other advance. But thank you.
Peg Mokrass, I believe you have teamed up with my agent Faisa Tronk who is indeed anemic and pleasantly passive-aggressive. The last time I visited her office she suggested I write a Novelty Cocktail Book that would be bigger than a coffee table and then (it was nine in the morning) introduced me to the cocktail Obituario–which I use to think was a bar for dead people, but which is actually a drink with green Chartreuse. (She gave me the recipe but wouldn’t pay for the Chartreuse.) While I was there she got a call and announced herself as Faisa Thronk, which she sometimes does with the intention of making people think she has an assistant. I am so honored to be her client and so happy that you have started the MACHER Literary-Agent Rescue.
Dear Thaisa, Faisa Tronk is a jewel as you know. Tronk’s rare form of passive-aggressivity is known to some as aggressive-passivity. It is rare, but vital to the industry.
Dear Peg, I thought we had agreed not to let our own clients talk about us. It certainly isn’t true that I wouldn’t pay for the green Chartreuse. I just told Thaisa to bring the unopened bottle back to my office. Meanwhile, I’ve been contacted by Pet Rescue. They’ve offered five free cages to homeless agents and promise they won’t be neutered, spayed, or adopted. FT
Dear Faisa, we as keepers of complex writers must occasionally let them out of their crates to pee. I did agree to advise Meg Pokrass against talking in public about us, but the poor thing gets confused. There is no way to bribe her, though I continue to try.
I agree. Now and then those writers need a crate-free pee-fest. We regard those writers like Snowy in Tintin who “only thought of his master and never gave up in despair.”
Since we had to move our crazy aunt up into the attic, we now have a spare bedroom available for just the right empathy-deficient agent. In fact, please send the most empathy-deficient agent possible, as he (or she) will be signing Social Security checks in our crazy aunt’s name. (We would do it ourselves but feel compelled to offer this opportunity as due reward to an agent who has given so much to so many for so long.)
Dear Mr. Cook – All of our agents for adoption are certifiably empathy-deficient. Any particular breed you have in mind?
Your kindness is deliciously rare.
Nope. Any ol’ mongrel will do. Long as he (or she) can write enough to sign a check.
Okay, noted. We’ll get you one with functional fingers.
We are not all that picky. We can use duct tape.
Some duct tape is attractive.
I’m hesitant to participate in this program as I have been bitten too many times. On nights of the full moon, my scars can be seen from three houses away. That said, I do believe in the potential of rehabilitation*. So, as long as the agent is cratable overnight, I’m willing to try. We have a basement room with a stained area rug, several empty wine bottles, and a kennel designed for twin greyhounds that have since chased that rabbit to the sky. Will that do?
* and, as I must constantly remind myself, there but for the grace of God… we might all become agents without empathy someday.
Dear Mr. Ramey. Thank you for this.
1. Do not hesitate or time will pass.
2. being bitten makes one delicious.
3. full-moon scars are sexy (to me).
4. rehabilitation is the key to doors which open.
5. crating is not cruel, it is actually kind and a very good idea for the aggressive-passive agents just in.
6. stained area rugs are a bit chick these days.
7. empty wine bottles are gorgeous candle holders… very affordable, great holiday tip.
8. I am sorry about the greyhounds. Will scour oxygen bars for twin-literary agents with gray hair. Don’t stop wishing.
9. yes, that will do.
10. we have all been agents in our souls. You get that. I get that you get this.
Felicitations and Salutations to Ms. Tronk. I’d invite her over for dinner but I’ve lost my spatula.
Dear Lillian, I have messaged Ms Fronk with you kind offering. My guess?
She’ll use her hands.
Dear Lillian…Please do not worry about a lost spatula. As long as there are nubile men and the hour is blue I am happy to come for dinner. My very best, Faisa Tronk
Dear Meg, Since 47% of all literary agents re empathy deficient, not to mention compassion challenged, this is a very large population to house. Jeff Herman’s book lists 310 pages of Lit AGENCIES – each with multiple employees! Perhaps we can reopen Alcatraz and bring in some kindergarten teachers as guards.
Dear Mr Jones,
There is little room in the best prisons for such an unsightly crowd. The waiting list is imposing.
Dear Meg, 6-26-2014
“Alcoholic Angel” is about epidemics of drug, alcohol, and food addictions. It’s also an unlikely, nonfiction love story containing an informed assertion that we need not die after death.
Because of alcoholism, my girlfriend Tia stopped breathing on her 32nd birthday (Aug. 30, 2012). Since then, when not with me, she’s the guardian angel of infants who start out at less than two pounds. The “miracle babies” of Manatee Memorial hospital get well in four months because of my precious angel. Then they go home to deliriously grateful parent(s) along the gulf coast of Florida.
Meg, if you are catching literary lightning bolts these days, smile because when lightning strikes, smiles turn into surge protectors that shield from shock and shut-down. Cynics scoff at business interactions between literary agent and angel, but try to ignore the wise guys. Allow healthy royalty checks to arrive because of your astute decision-making.
Sometimes genetic bad luck creates an alcoholic. Tia is half Indian. Sugar addicts like me were born to poor peasants with rich tastes (too salty, too sweet, too much) for whom the ability to binge and store fat no longer serves survival needs. As a European saying goes: “By the time the fat ones are thin, the thin ones are dead.”
The consequences of alcohol and eating-related ailments (always awful) are eerily similar. In 49,000 words, “Alcoholic Angel” offers therapeutic pathways to abandoning addictions. Doctor approved and sanctioned by a higher power, we offer help to folks who want to quit poisoning themselves.
Hot off the wire! The few now doing good deeds will welcome you into their small circle of successful agents of change. Attorney Ralph Nader wrote a muck-raking book 50 years ago. Because of Nader’s book, every car in North America now is less unsafe at every speed. Dr. Devra Davis, award-winning scientist,
is the author of highly readable “how to” books on environmental protection. Currently she is facing down powerful corporations whose phones can damage the brains and bodies of children and adults. Devra will help promote “Alcoholic Angel” from her rock-solid scientific platform.
My angel Tia is no schlep from outer space. In a few ways she’s a little like Santa who needed help with:
1. Sleigh selection: Over-eaters die from licking platters too clean on Christmas, Chanukah, and Festivus (for the rest of us). To avoid costly media mailings, Tia will travel everywhere in a two-reindeer open sleigh designed for wingless angels. In a flash, the reindeer will whisk Tia with sleigh carrying health enhancements onto rooftops in East St. Louis, St. Petersburg, San Francisco, Los Angeles, San Antonio, Nova Scotia and the Czech Republic. This fall, mindful eating and portion control essays will be gifted to overweight folks.
2. Reindeer recruitment: Like Rudolph, our reindeer will have shiny red noses and fly safely at super speeds so Tia doesn’t crash near the Gulf of Mexico. However reindeer with wings like Dancer and Donner can be temperamental. Persuading them help a relatively new pediatric angel may be our most daunting task. Nonetheless, Tia is no fantasy conjured up by an angry old fart from Florida. She’s an angel well worth your interest.
3. Connecting Tia to a publisher with the cajoines to face down corporate coyotes like Vodka, Inc. and the Too Salty Canned Dreck Company could trigger a turnabout revolution in book publishing. Like newspapers, book sales have been droopy for years, and the American publishing empire is in deep decline. Our publisher could emerge from three decades of financial doldrums when “Alcoholic Angel” replaces mind-numbing literary crap lying in book bins unsold, even for a buck.
Embrace this unconventional project Meg for 25 per cent commissions on incoming book/movie revenues. Your professional career and income could rocket upward, perhaps to dizzying heights, especially if Michael Douglas selects Tia to be the next “One (who) Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”. Also consider the black take on “Alcoholic Angel” that’s been bouncing around in Spike Lee’s brain. Sell the manuscript to Mike or Spike or some other genius who will make an award-winning movie about my special angel. Otherwise “whatever works” could be our marketing mantra.
Query your precious intuition Meg, then ponder how to turn “Alcoholic Angel” into a commercial triumph. You can do it. This we know.
Shane MSW, BSJ
“The limits of the possible can only be defined by going beyond
them…… into the impossible.”
– Arthur C. Clarke
To read the manuscript, contact [email protected](dot)com
P.O. Box 20621, Bradenton FL 34204
WGAW Registration #1666XXX
The Love Story 5
THE PIRATES 10
Enchanted Evening 17
SEIZURE the Moment 33
Ball Game Blues 36
Forever Together 41
Butt Out 47
OREGON TRAVAIL 52
The GIRLFRIEND 60
The TEACHER 63
LIFE AFTER LIFE 66
+ music/video tape (Tia)
+ photo Shane/Tia at Karate class
2. ADDICTIVE DISORDERS + healing
I’m an Alcoholic 70
When Women party 74
(Pope Francis) “Evil” Addiction 78
Intimate Enemies 85
3. EXERCISE (no time not to)
The Power of Why 92
Walking for Life 94
Body by Hannah 98
Dancing Queen 101
4. THE ART OF EATING
Superb Foods 103
Sugar & hearts 109
Salt & strokes 116
Healing a President 120
5. HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT
Solutions to Weighty Problems 123
The Gift of Balance 134
THE THIN HOUSE 137
Dental gone mental 140
6. THE POWER OF CHI
Breathe the breath of life 147
Flying dragon 149
Tai Chi 150
Chakras (7 points of life) 152
7. THIS DOCTOR IS IN 154
8. MAKING YOUR VERY OWN MIRACLE 159
Thanks for the MS. Very powerful in many ways ̶ the pure emotions of two differently addicted souls coming together. It is also a self-help book, especially re sugar and salt, the world’s biggest killers.
You should use someone near you to help put your manuscript on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, etc. That’s the way to go now. This is not a job for someone like me, an ocean away.
Using new technologies, you have the means to make Tia and the related addiction parts of your manuscript available to the public. With some clever networking and reviewing, it could find that ready market you describe. Tia is a symbol who could catch the imagination of all those needing a guiding light, and the power and vivacity of your language could make your book a phenomenon. Then publishers will line up like sheep to buy the rights to “Alcoholic Angel”.
— Robert (literary agent – London)
Gone From My Sight
I am standing upon the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning
breeze and starts for the blue ocean.
She is an object of beauty and strength,
and I stand and watch until at last she hangs
like a speck of white cloud
just where the sea and sky come down to mingle
with each other. Then someone at my side says,
“There, she is gone.”
Gone from my sight . . . that is all.
She is just as large in mast and hull
as she was when she left my side
and just as able to bear her load of living freight
to the place of destination.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her.
And just at the moment
when someone at my side says,
‘there, she is gone!’
There are other eyes watching her coming . . .
and other voices ready to take up the glad shout . . .
“Here she comes!”
And that is dying.
~Henry Van Dyke