1. Technical difficulties.
2. Loss of feeling in fingertips.
3. Moved to laughter and tears, but not necessarily to typing and sending.
4. Commented out loud to myself after reading and considered the message well received.
5. Commented on your Facebook wall, reposted my comment on several blogs and then discussed it with you in person, however I figured this comment section was a private matter.
6. Typed out a comment and then saw it as over-praising and sugary, even for someone who writes about parenting.
7. Typed out a comment and then saw it as contrarian and snarky, even for someone who writes about the French.
8. Added a comment but it was so riddled with typos that WordPress deleted it instantly and sent me an email that read: “Please.Just…go.”
9. Have been working on a comment all year and am just putting the final touches on a semi-decent final draft.
10. Waiting until the site adds a “Resonates like a distant chime through the forgotten chapels of my yearning” button for me to click.
11. Only here for the money.
12. Workshopped your piece with the English departments of several top universities and we’ve yet to come to any consensus as to what we should say.Though, I’ve somehow been assigned to teach Beowulf now.
13. Thought I’d spare the comment thread from being veered wildly off topic.
14. Able to locate neither the beginning nor the end of the thread.
15. Too meta, so much so that the sly references buried in the middle of the post to both the writer and myself made me pass at any attempt to stop the snake from eating its tail. I mean, it gets a little old, no?
16. I’m trying to send a message to the American people.
17. Because the phrase “fucking nutless horse cock who eats the steaming shoveled shit of czarist commies for breakfast and then pukes it the fuck up into the limpdick ass words of this pussy ballsac pillow-biting piece of donkey turds and racist douchebag excrement” needed just a little more tweaking first.
18. Fear of light sabers.
19. Deep-seated contributor/commenter reconciliation issues.
20. I had a dream about commenting on your piece and that seemed to suffice.
21. I fell asleep with your piece on the screen and ever since have needed it as a kind of lyrical nightlight to help me drift off.By now, any comment would be hopelessly beside the point, not to mention embarrassing for everyone.
22. I’m really just on this site to promote my line of high-end kitchen appliances and don’t feel the need to participate beyond posting about the magic of Cuisinart.
23. I only speak up on every 500th comment that runs across the board.
24. I only speak up on every 5,000th thought that runs through my head.
25. Printed out your article, scrawled comment at bottom of the page and tied it to a red helium balloon.Because if you love something, you should set it free.
26. Oh, I think you know why.
27. Content way too offensive.
28. Content not nearly offensive enough.
29. Desperately attempting to show, not tell.
30. Suspicion that no amount of positive reinforcement is ever going to truly feed the beast.
31. In the end, I blame Capricorns.
32. Have turned into a Quaker.
33. Have turned into an agent.
34. Have turned into your father.
35. Not yet fully convinced any of you are actually real.
36. Struck with how little I know and, of what I do know, how little I understand.Proceeded to mashing out emoticons on Huffington Post.
37. Waiting until the movie adaptation of your post is released when I’ll thoughtfully deconstruct you on Metacritic.
38. Didn’t want to spoil the illusion of a story as finite, pristine and untouched by anything outside of it, but now that it’s become apparent that your story has the potential to continue on forever and I have the chance to push it along as something more than a solitary tree planted in the sand, I’m struck dumb as I come to realize I’m growing instead in a garden.
39. You and I happen to be exactly the same person, just with different gravatars.
40. Because I’m reserving cynicism for another time.
41. Because I’m only just arriving to the place you’ve been all this time.
42. Because I assumed my comment was implied.
43. Trick knee.
44. Slow learner.