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John H. Bryan: in fits and starts
Steven H. Strongin: in an Ambien tent
J. Michael Evans: like a log
William W. George: like a log cresting the first descent of a flume
John S. Weinberg: like a log resting mightily atop a sleeping lamb
Richard J. Gnodde: floating in a 24-acre sensory deprivation chamber
Kevin W. Kennedy: face down in an infinity pool of his own vomit
Gwen R. Libstag: while operating heavy, barely controllable machinery
Rajat Gupta: by selling a bet on what time he’ll fall asleep and collecting on side bets to buy more Red Bull
Masanori Mochida: on a pillow made of tryptophan
Gregory K. Palm: during nightly blink
James A. Johnson: sheer goddamn willpower, that’s how
Stephen Friedman: with your lovely wife
John F.W. Rogers: through the year-end meeting on algorithms
Edith W. Cooper: wearing 14 travel eye masks
Lakshmi N. Mittal: by refusing to settle for dreams shown in anything less than HD Blu-Ray
David M. Solomon: in collusion with the apparitions levitating above the foot of his bed
Pablo J. Salome: beside nightlight that casts the words “Oh Shit” in playful pastel patterns around room
Michael S. Sherwood: sucking on leftover roofies
Christopher C. Cole: employing help to grind teeth for him
Lois D. Juliber: full rapid-eye movement during business hours
Debora L. Spar: by venting graphically-detailed nightmares the next morning in the fine print wording of CDOs
James J. Schiro: thanks to enduring refusal to give even the tiniest of fucks
Michael Swenson: underperforming slightly
Alan M. Cohen: until Mr. Swenson clicks him out of the mode
David B. Heller: pretending that his day is an elaborate dream within a dream and by night his conscious mind awakes long enough for him to become a kindly elementary school janitor
Isabelle Ealet: iPad sleep app
Timothy J. O’Neill: gossamer visions of Isabelle
Gordon E. Dyal: finally releasing the crushing guilt over not selecting the right column width on the valuation spreadsheets
Gary D. Cohn: declining to emerge from long winter’s nap
Jeffrey W. Shroeder: not bothering to address the bedwetting
Daniel Sparks: listening to Mitt Romney explain himself at length in soft cooing tones at his beside
Thomas Montag: between apnea wherein he bolts upright, in twenty minute intervals, to declare this year better than the last
Claus Dahlbäck: definitely not weeping
David A. Viniar: with a Breathe Right nasal strip so his snores don’t disturb the First Family
Lloyd C. Blankfein: with hand on the lever that holds aloft a cauldron of boiling lava high over the city proper
Greg Smith: through acute restless finger twinkles
Oh, good. Well, at least they’re all well-rested.
(P.S. With your wife = hilarious)
Perhaps they all could use a little more insomnia, Gloria.
Also, extra credit if you can guess who was asleep when the above photo was taken (hint: he’s the one in the necktie).
Nathaniel this was absolutely hilarious. “face down in an infinity pool of his own vomit.” Loved it. Thanks.
Thanks, Pete. I’ve heard the infinity pools of their own vomit have come down in value too. I’m sure we’ll be told that now is the time to buy.
We need laws to rein in humans who admire themselves despite all their crimes.
Sadly, we already have the laws, they just don’t seem to count for much. Thanks for the comment, Shelley.
Wonder if there’s a seen-the-error-of-my-ways memoir forthcoming from one of them, one of these days.
I imagine publishers and ghost writers are clamoring to get Mr. Smith to expand last week’s Times editorial. I also imagine someone just informed him of the average take-home pay of most writers.
Thanks for stopping in, Ronlyn.
“thanks to enduring refusal to give even the tiniest of fucks”….”not bothering to address the bedwetting”…Oh Nat. This list is gold.
Thank you, Erika. I like to think of this list as gold too, in which case that particular commodity on the trading board just went down in value.
This is genius, Nat. Thanks for this.
BTW, have you seen this Star Wars spoof of the infamous op-ed piece?
http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/why-i-am-leaving-the-empire%25252c-by-darth-vader-201203145007/
Thanks, Richard. I did see the Star Wars spoof, too, and I fully agree that the Empire is “too much about shortcuts and not enough about remote strangulation.”
Surely one of the executives above sleeps in a chamber of the Death Star with his helmet detached.
Yes, how do they? Also got to see more writings of published author Nat Missildine. Safe journey, see you soon.