* enthusiasm gap

* for reasons obvious to everyone but me

* unfortunate third time you feel the need to explain yourself

* just climbed out of 2010 this morning

* deactivated account, still showing up daily

* mad at everyone

* mad at myself for assuming that my comment speaks for everyone

* beat up by a cartoon guy with a balloon as a child

* beat up by memoirist writing the sordid life story of a site mascot

* balloon art is better left unchallenged

* couldn’t think of a comment that didn’t have the phrase “cri de coeur”

* didn’t feel the need to overshare further

* didn’t feel the need to actually start revealing things about my personal life

* assumed you’d figure why based on the implied message in the songs I’ve been listening to on Spotify

* your post had nothing to do with Animal Collective or their new album growing on me

* your post had nothing to do with the Cleveland Browns

* your post had nothing to do with the idea of a real Los Angeles slinking unnoticed under the larger veneer that most of its residents have long ago decided to accept as real

* envision you in the role of my mixed metaphor

* “liked” into oblivion

* not sure if everything will be okay

* you’re freaking me out

* you’ve freaked me out for a while now

* have been backing out of the room slowly all year

* embarrassed for all 500,000 of us

* embarrassed for all 5 of us

* therapist suggested maybe it’s best to stay away

* crushed by the unchecked pseudo-European socialist regime the news keeps talking about

* also the new Socialist Party President here in France

* personal austerity measure

* specific dietary restrictions

* too busy mouth-farting while reaching for the third rail over at HTML Giant

* too busy doing something in earnest at The Rumpus

* too busy reading between the jokes over at McSweeney’s

* too busy overthinking the whole thing over at The Morning News

* too busy wondering if someone already expressed this better at The Weeklings

* too busy checking CNN for Rihanna updates because, frankly, I’m worried about the choices that girl is making

* a writer of my stature is beyond, if not above, these things

* a writer of my stature is below, if not trampled underneath, these things

* patiently waiting for a writer of a much greater stature to use me as a promotional tool

* better left to people with shoes on their hands

* realized the internet is no longer powered by wizards

* summoned Anon in a candlelit séance

* thought I saw Quenby’s image in a tortilla

* Becky appeared to me in a Neil Diamond fever dream

* hallucinated that Phat B was a real man

* put my ear to a seashell and heard the echo of Listi’s voice

* confused everyone for Anaïs Nin

* too decrepit

* too green

* too close

* too far-removed

* gonna need to hang on to a few misconceptions

* empathy gone experimental

* longer haul

* shorter reach

* leap year

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NATHANIEL MISSILDINE lives in Dijon, France with his wife and two daughters. He is the author of the 2012 travel memoir SAVE FOR FIREFLIES as well as a recently completed novel. Online writings, by turns comical and puzzling, are on display over at nathanielmissildine.com.

14 responses to “Why I Never Commented on Your Post (3rd and Inches)”

  1. Brilliant, Nat, brilliant.

  2. Phat B says:

    Phat B is not a real man. It takes 10 of us just to run his facebook account (7 of us are always drunk, we’re trying a new voice). The ten of us have voted (well, the 3 of us that are awake right now) and we like “Empathy Gone Experimental” for the win, and also as a future band name.

    • Tell the guys down at Phat B headquarters to keep it up and thanks for the support. “Empathy Gone Experimental” hope to book some major gigs next year, but are still working out problems with their xylophonist.

  3. I’m still convinced that YOU are not real. Or maybe that I am not real. I forget which.

  4. Don Mitchell says:

    Too busy pissing in the violin?

  5. J.M. Blaine says:

    * Gravatar / Gravitar.

  6. D.R. Haney says:

    Comments? On a TNB post? What the fuck are you talking about?

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