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1) Working as a caddy in a country club does not entitle one to liberalities of sexual congress with fellow caddies or with the beautiful daughters of influential club members. Also, you are worthless, and no one will ever love you.

2) Well-to-do businessmen do not wear plaid polyester golf pants with yellow golf shirts and still hope to maintain their spheres of influence. That you don’t know this already may stem from the fact that your own sphere of influence is negligible.

3) Bill Murray does not have a funny speech impediment. Speech impediments are not funny. What is the point of your even existing? This is not a rhetorical question. There is no point.

4) Rodney Dangerfield does not insert himself into awkward social situations with his trademark boorish remarks and make light of country club members’ stuffy, patrician lifestyles. Rodney Dangerfield is dead, and you still haven’t learned the importance of fiscal responsibility.

5) Chevy Chase is not a rakish playboy dropping one-liners for the entertainment of all. However, he does have nice teeth, nicer teeth than you, in fact. How hard is it to get to the dentist every once in a while? Everyone thinks you’re a dimwit who can’t go to the trouble to use proper oral hygiene.

6) Caddy scholarships do not exist. But if they did, you would never get one, because that would involve carrying a golf bag for an extended period of time. This is much too hard a task for you and your feeble body.

7) Leering at the legs of young women is not considered charming, but, in fact, makes you a sexist and therefore someone who doesn’t understand what it is to live in a civilized society. Do that society a favor and isolate yourself.

8) When a teenaged boy is found out by his Irish girlfriend to be cheating, she does not roll her eyes and make sarcastic remarks. She cries and says that she hates him over and over. Likewise, when this girl relates to her boyfriend that she is pregnant by another man, the boyfriend does not propose marriage but sinks into a deep depression, all of which would be perfectly fitting for someone like you, since you don’t deserve happiness.

9) Baby Ruth candy bars are not mistaken for feces, nor are country club swimming pools drained and sterilized, even when contaminated by real feces. But as a side note, suicide is a perfectly reasonable answer to the absurd conundrum that is your existence.

10) Let’s say that large amounts of money are being wagered on the outcome of a game of golf. When during said game, the field of play is destroyed by a lunatic setting of explosive charges, the tournament is postponed of canceled. By no means does such interference benefit the person who had been losing the game before the explosions happened. Such wanton flouting of rules and basic safety is not funny. Society benefits nothing by the depiction of this kind of reckless behavior and pretending otherwise only reinforces the banal absurdity of everything you think or say.

11) Kenny Loggins does not write music that anyone wants to hear. Why can’t you read a book or something?

12) Stuffed animals do not dance, and your life has no meaning.



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NATHAN PENSKY is a recent graduate of the Creative Writing M.F.A. program at Mills College and has been published in McSweeney's Internet Tendency, MONKEYBICYCLE, and many others. He is an Associate Flash Fiction/Fiction Editor for the online literary journal JMWW, and a frequent contributor for the pop culture website PopMatters.

13 responses to “12 Differences Between Caddyshack and Reality, as Dictated by Depression”

  1. Zara Potts says:

    This made me laugh, Nathan. I love the dead pan delivery.
    And yeah, when did Kenny Loggins decide it was okay to inflict his noise upon us?
    Shouldn’t we get a vote or something?

  2. Art Edwards says:

    Nicely drawn connections between Caddyshack and our own miserable existences, Nathan.

    Give us hell!

    Art

  3. Becky says:

    Caddy scholarships do exist, actually. I will leave it to you to decide what this means for your self worth.

  4. Marni Grossman says:

    So funny. Favorite line? “Rodney Dangerfield is dead, and you still haven’t learned the importance of fiscal responsibility.”

  5. Nathan Pensky says:

    Ha, just for the record, this IS supposed to be funny. (Sorry if it ain’t.) Detailing how Caddyshack isn’t “real,” (and therefore missing the whole point of the movie) and equating as much with depression is supposed to make the claims of each seem silly. So anyway, hope no one thinks I’m making light of depression or how awful it is or whatever. Also, Caddyshack is one of my favorite movies ever, FYI.

  6. Matt says:

    Caddyshack cruel, cruel reminder of all that is callous and brutal in this uncaring, pointless world of ours.

    Very funny, Nathan.

  7. jonathan evison says:

    . . . nathan, stay the hell away from caddyshack 2 — you’ll cut your wrists for sure . . .

  8. 1. The drunken lout son of the club president never, ever pukes into the sunroof of the Porsche owner who most direly deserves it. Although, the case could be made that any Porsche owner will do.

  9. Richard Cox says:

    I’m sorry I missed this earlier, Timmy. It’s pitch perfect. Caddyshack is genius and Bill Murray is the best comedic actor of our time, or perhaps any time.

    Also, Kenny Loggins is the Bob Dylan of the 80s. High…way…to…the…DANGER ZONE!!!!11!

    Now eat your Prozac and hand me a nine-iron.

  10. Gloria says:

    “…nor are country club swimming pools drained and sterilized, even when contaminated by real feces.”

    I may never be able to go swimming again.

  11. dwoz says:

    One of my dear friends mixed a fair number of Kenny Loggins’ hits. Regardless of what you think of the genre, the tune “This Is It” is a semester’s worth of study in how to do audio engineering RIGHT.

  12. Erika Rae says:

    “But as a side note, suicide is a perfectly reasonable answer to the absurd conundrum that is your existence.”

    I love how you tied that in with Babe Ruth and faux fecal matter.

  13. Simon Smithson says:

    “12) Stuffed animals do not dance, and your life has no meaning.”

    Oh, God. God, it’s all true!

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