September 06, 2010
1) Working as a caddy in a country club does not entitle one to liberalities of sexual congress with fellow caddies or with the beautiful daughters of influential club members. Also, you are worthless, and no one will ever love you.
2) Well-to-do businessmen do not wear plaid polyester golf pants with yellow golf shirts and still hope to maintain their spheres of influence. That you don’t know this already may stem from the fact that your own sphere of influence is negligible.
3) Bill Murray does not have a funny speech impediment. Speech impediments are not funny. What is the point of your even existing? This is not a rhetorical question. There is no point.
4) Rodney Dangerfield does not insert himself into awkward social situations with his trademark boorish remarks and make light of country club members’ stuffy, patrician lifestyles. Rodney Dangerfield is dead, and you still haven’t learned the importance of fiscal responsibility.
5) Chevy Chase is not a rakish playboy dropping one-liners for the entertainment of all. However, he does have nice teeth, nicer teeth than you, in fact. How hard is it to get to the dentist every once in a while? Everyone thinks you’re a dimwit who can’t go to the trouble to use proper oral hygiene.
6) Caddy scholarships do not exist. But if they did, you would never get one, because that would involve carrying a golf bag for an extended period of time. This is much too hard a task for you and your feeble body.
7) Leering at the legs of young women is not considered charming, but, in fact, makes you a sexist and therefore someone who doesn’t understand what it is to live in a civilized society. Do that society a favor and isolate yourself.
8) When a teenaged boy is found out by his Irish girlfriend to be cheating, she does not roll her eyes and make sarcastic remarks. She cries and says that she hates him over and over. Likewise, when this girl relates to her boyfriend that she is pregnant by another man, the boyfriend does not propose marriage but sinks into a deep depression, all of which would be perfectly fitting for someone like you, since you don’t deserve happiness.
9) Baby Ruth candy bars are not mistaken for feces, nor are country club swimming pools drained and sterilized, even when contaminated by real feces. But as a side note, suicide is a perfectly reasonable answer to the absurd conundrum that is your existence.
10) Let’s say that large amounts of money are being wagered on the outcome of a game of golf. When during said game, the field of play is destroyed by a lunatic setting of explosive charges, the tournament is postponed of canceled. By no means does such interference benefit the person who had been losing the game before the explosions happened. Such wanton flouting of rules and basic safety is not funny. Society benefits nothing by the depiction of this kind of reckless behavior and pretending otherwise only reinforces the banal absurdity of everything you think or say.
11) Kenny Loggins does not write music that anyone wants to hear. Why can’t you read a book or something?
12) Stuffed animals do not dance, and your life has no meaning.