Sung to the tune of “Paint it Black”

I see a row of curlers and I want them taken out
My friends are on their way / I want them taken out

Sung to the tune of “Under My Thumb”

Under my name / Mom, this mail was not addressed to you
Under my name / What if this had been personal?
See it’s right there?
See how my name is there and not yours or Dad’s
The mail has come and
It’s under my name

Sung to the tune of “Let’s Spend the Night Together”

Let’s spend the evening together
Playing monopoly and eating Bagel Bites
It’s not weird because it’s Sunday
And you’re pretty funny when you’ve had a margarita

Sung to the tune of “Get Off of My Cloud”

Hey (Hey!) Mom (Mom!) / Get off of the phone!
I’m (I’m!) Still (Still!) on the goddamn phone!

Sung to the tune of “Brown Sugar”

Brown Sugar / You cook it on Butternut Squash
Brown Sugar / It’s good but really sweet

Sung to the tune of “Jumpin’ Jack Flash”

I was raised by a toothless, bearded hag,
I was schooled with a strap right across my back,
But it’s all right now, in fact it’s a gas!
But it’s all right, I’m just kidding, Mom!
It was a gas, gas, gas!

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NATHAN PENSKY is a recent graduate of the Creative Writing M.F.A. program at Mills College and has been published in McSweeney's Internet Tendency, MONKEYBICYCLE, and many others. He is an Associate Flash Fiction/Fiction Editor for the online literary journal JMWW, and a frequent contributor for the pop culture website PopMatters.

15 responses to “Rolling Stones Lyrics, if They Had Been Written by Me As a Teenager About My Mom”

  1. Gloria says:

    I shouldn’t have tried to read this while at work. There’s a lady behind me doing my filing (hey, she asked if there was “anything she could help me with”) and I’m taking a little break and now I’m laughing and trying really hard to to hide it – but this was so fucking funny.

    Really, it’s all your fault, Nathan.

  2. sheree says:

    Ahahaha, that last one made me burst out laughing!

  3. jmblaine says:

    I love it
    when someone
    comes in with something
    new in a new way.
    This was smart and funny
    & I hope you do
    Tattoo You
    & Framptom Comes Alive
    & Please Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em
    & Theater of Pain
    teenage you to your mom.

  4. Lisa Rae Cunningham says:

    Hahaha. This one entertained me, fellow.

  5. Art Edwards says:

    Thank you, Nathan. I do this type of thing every day, and you just validated it for me.


  6. Richard Cox says:

    This is hilarious, Nathan.

  7. Zara Potts says:

    Your mind is twisted in just the right way! Very funny – now I want more loopy lyrics.

  8. D.R. Haney says:

    I agree with all who’ve said hilarious. And “I was schooled with a strap right across my back” is a great line, period. I’m always making up lyrics to songs, but none of mine are as good as that one.

    • Nathan Pensky says:

      Ha, I’m glad you like that one, except “schooled with a strap right across my back” is verbatim from the actual song. My addition there is the “I’m just kidding, Mom” part.

  9. Nathan Pensky says:

    Thanks, all. But I should mention that this piece was purely fictional. My mother was (and is) a much cooler person than I am and inspired no such like reprisals during my actual teenage-dom.

  10. Lenore says:

    see how my name is there and not yours or dad’s had me laughing. freaking mom.

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