By Nathan Pensky


Hey, you know what’s pretty fucking amazing without you ever really thinking about it? WHEAT! You could even say that wheat is, like, the BEST thing in the world. You can make cookies with wheat, bread, fucking biscuits… It’s awesome.


I mean, what else is there? Like, Rice? Corn? Corn is total bullshit. Then what, Quinoa? Fuck fucking Quinoa. Nobody wants to eat Quinoa. Might as well just rake your tongue across a piece of bark. And can you make beer with Quinoa? Maybe, but it’d taste like Mother Nature’s dick.


Like, just think how in movies when girls with blonde hair wearing sundresses are all running through a field to show how fresh and pure they are and shit. What kind of field do you think they’re running through? It’s a wheat field, motherfucker! If there was no such thing as wheat, that blonde-haired girl would probably be a 50-year-old prostitute running through piles of broken glass. And Amish guys who wear straw hats and overalls? They gotta have something sticking out between their teeth, don’t they? Fuck.


When it comes right down to it, wheat is the motherfucking Cadillac of grains. Just grind it and add water and bake it and you’re totally going to stay alive for at least a couple of hours. In fact, wheat is so fucking cool that I felt like writing a poem about it. Here it is:


Wheat, wheat, wheat is great

Wheat is the best grain in the world

Wheat is good in bread and cookies

Fuck you, rice

Fuck you, barley

Wheat is rad

The end


I might turn it in to a rap.


Go wheat!


NATHAN PENSKY is a recent graduate of the Creative Writing M.F.A. program at Mills College and has been published in McSweeney's Internet Tendency, MONKEYBICYCLE, and many others. He is an Associate Flash Fiction/Fiction Editor for the online literary journal JMWW, and a frequent contributor for the pop culture website PopMatters.

15 responses to “Wheat!”

  1. Gloria says:

    Sounds like someone is having a gluten allergy-induced psychotic break.

    You’d better lay off the hefeweizen.

  2. Dana says:

    I’m with you Gloria.

    Plus, shit. He dissed my corn.

    • pixy says:

      CORN?? i haven’t had corn in weeks!

      i’m glad that cabbage isn’t a grain that isn’t wheat. else i’d have to take nathan’s ass down. down-town. i’m so amped on cabbage lately.

  3. J. Ryan Stradal says:


    This is great. Right down to the tags.

    Even as an ardent corn-lover, I appreciate your passion and alacrity for your grain of choice. Thanks, therefore, for keeping it real.

  4. Brad Listi says:

    You know what messes with me? This whole “whole grain” thing. And whole grain vs. multi-grain.

    Like, is bread good for you?

    Why do so many goddamn people refuse to eat bread these days? How can bread not be good for you?

    Jesus ate bread.

    And I mean, I get it. Wonder Bread — white bread — I can see how that could be nutritionally void.

    But wheat bread? Is that bad? Does it have to be whole grain wheat? Sprouted whole grain?


  5. Art Edwards says:

    All right. Someone finally said it.


  6. Victoria Patterson says:

    Wheat’s going on? Wheat do you mean? (Sorry, lame.)

  7. Zach Powers says:

    You bet my Irish ass has something to say about fucking potatoes.

    They’re not a grain, but you can use them to make bread. And vodka. The gawt-damned Russians will have my back on this.

    And what other bread-making ingredient can you eat straight from the ground? I mean, wash that shit first. I’m not saying to eat dirt. That’s just you being difficult.

  8. We can’t eat bread now? But I love bread so much I make bread sandwiches out of bread! For morons, that’s two pieces of buttered bread, and then a nice piece of bread in the middle. Use thin sandwich-slice bread for the outsides and thick toast-slice for the Paris in the middle. You got yo’self a sandwich sandwich.

    I bet you’ll say we can’t eat butter next. I eat butter dusted in wheat in protest.

  9. Zoe Brock says:

    Mother Natures Dick.

    That’s a great name for a band.

    Modern allergies annoy me. When people tell me they’re allergic to cats I want to take a kitten and rub it in their face.

    I was once on a plane that wouldn’t serve snacks to a single passenger because ONE PERSON had a peanut allergy. It was completely melodramatic and stupid. It would have been a good time to open the door and push that person out.

    Perhaps wheat allergies exist to help cull some of the weaker humans out? I mean, shit, if you’re scared of bread you’re not going to be much use against an alien invasion.

  10. Summer Block says:

    I seriously love wheat.

  11. Luke Kelly-Clyne says:

    I’ve read this several times now, and I’ve shown it to two different people who don’t ordinarily read this site. It’s that funny.

  12. Gary Justis says:

    You gotta remember…fill your mouth with wheat, chew like hell and you have ….gum! Gumm!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *