6 Obscure Diagnoses of the DSM-IVBy Nathan Pensky
April 21, 2011
1) Fenwick-Barnes Syndrome, or ‘Metaphoraphobia’
Pathology: Extreme credibility; Inability to understand metaphor
Common symptoms: Fear of phrases like ‘It’s raining cats and dogs’ or ‘You’re driving me crazy’; Fear of Civil War Reenactments; Fear of puppet shows; Fear of team mascots; Fear of emoticons; Fear of Halloween; Fear of Kabuki; Fear of one’s mom using different voices for the different characters in storybooks; Fear of religion; Inability to understand bar graphs and/or finding them to be merely pretty
2) Osterhaus Syndrome
Pathology: Extreme gustatory sensitivity; Addiction to sex
Common symptoms: Experiencing uninterrupted state of orgasm while eating bag after bag of “Vinegar and Salt” flavored potato chips; Mouth sores; Halitosis
3) ‘Ving Rhames‘ Prosopagnosia
Pathology: Inability to distinguish faces from that of actor Ving Rhames
Common symptoms: Not enjoying the films of actor Ving Rhames; Fandom of actor Michael Clark Duncan deviating slightly above statistical norm
4) Jameson Syndrome, or O.C.D. with Situational Anthropomorphization
Pathology: Compulsion to anthropomorphize everyday household objects
Common symptoms: Paranoia as to why the automan is always shutting you out; Separation anxiety whenever keys are misplaced; Staging funerals for worn out undershirts; Taking dishware back to the store where purchased for it to ‘visit relatives’; Allowing coatracks to ‘go on vacation’ to the attic once a year; DVD parades; Shoe-horn bar mitzvahs; Picture frame Quincenaras; Thinking the salt-shaker is a total asshole
5) Riggs Syndrome, or Puppy-Eating Disease
Pathology: Compulsion to eat puppies; Inability to understand the concept of ‘cute’; Moral ambivalence
Common symptoms: Favorite food being Puppy Tartare; Being the only member of the ‘Puppies Are Delicious’ fan club; Often bringing own lunch to work
6) George Foreman‘s Disease (no relation to the boxer/grill entrepreneur), or Amnesiac Akinetopsia
Pathology: Inability to visually interpret motion, i.e. vision is experienced like a series of “frames” rather than as a continuous film; Inability to experience the passage of time
Common symptoms: Belief that people on roller coasters are really over-reacting; Adding the sentence, ‘Did you get my last message?’ at the end of all emails; Believing IKEA to be a completely normal place; being terrible at boards games involving little plastic hour-glasses; Favorite sport: curling; Favorite book: Gravity’s Rainbow; Commonly misunderstanding of the lyrics, ‘I want to rock and roll all night / And party every day’; Having a hard time determining when ASAP is; Often missing the bus
This is really funny, Nathan.
My only problem is that I really do think that IKEA is a completely normal place….
(I’ll never get my long-term care insurance now!)
Thank you Irene. But science has proven that time stops in IKEA. That may be normal in your book, but…
Anyplace where time stops is the place for me.
It’s been going extra fast of late.
He isn’t joking.
These are really in there.
DSM V comes out soon.
to Dairy Queen
Which would be funnier, if it were true or made up?
I thought you made this up, Nathan!
This is awesome. Also I’m pretty sure I have #4. Right now I’m feeling really, really guilty about some old furniture I have to sell on Craigslist.
Thanks, Summer! But you’ll get through this, one day at a time.
I’m a little concerned about number 5.