The Dogberry Sea

(Chorus)

Come with me to the Dogberry Sea

Where you shall not need a raincoat

Come with me to the cellar of the sea

Where you shall not want for a thing

For some folks wander and some folks wane

And some folks gutter the bend in the drain

But the best folks sink to the dregs of the drink

Where they can’t hear the pit-pitter-pat of the rain

 

(Verse 1)

King Cauliflower of Lower Dogberry

What a merry old King was he!

He hung (by their hair) all his wives in the square

And he threw all his sons in the sea

But the realm of Dogberry was old as the sand

And the laws were the lines on his bloody left hand

And the sun and the moon were his birthday balloons

And the ache in his back was a scourge on the land

So once I a-flew like the mockingbirds do

When they fly to their cousins locked up in the zoo

Yes, one day I wandered, a-slipped and a-squandered,

Where peasants jump high when the King says “A-choo!”

And me and the King, we went out carol-ing

And we sang to the peasants and strung ‘em on string

And we combed out our beards, us not being a-feared

Of the red-colored birds with their blue-colored wings

And we sang and we sang till the noonbells a-rang

And you know of the song we were singing?

Oh, the song that they sing when they raise up the King

With his orbs and his scepter a-swinging!

 

(Chorus)

Come with me to the Dogberry Sea

Where you shall not need a raincoat

Come with me to the cellar of the sea

Where you shall not want for a thing

For some folks wander and some folks wane

And some folks gutter the bend in the drain

But the best folks sink to the dregs of the drink

Where they can’t hear the pit-pitter-pat of the rain

 

(Verse 2)

In lower Dogberry, the people were good

And they did as their grandmothers taught them

They were all very kind to the deaf and the blind

And threw out the trash with the flotsam

But according to law, their only known flaw

Was lust for Iguana meat, bloodied up raw

And their druthers a-smothered their storied grandmothers

Who’d taught them to never go burning the shaw

Well, I came to town with a tuft in my crown

And I stirred up their peace and I threw their sin down

And I druthered their nethers with buggers and feathers

And I turned every smile to a gibbering frown

And I handled their baubles and drummed on their tables

And called into question their tellers of fables

And I sullied their bars with my telling of wars

And I covered their candles and flattened their gables

And when I was done, yes, I sat in the sun

On the outskirt of town where the sky was undone

Yes, the sky was a-blackened, the knots all a-slackened

And the tune that rang over the stubble, it rung…

 

(Chorus)

Come with me to the Dogberry Sea

Where you shall not need a raincoat

Come with me to the cellar of the sea

Where you shall not want for a thing

For some folks wander and some folks wane

And some folks gutter the bend in the drain

But the best folks sink to the dregs of the drink

Where they can’t hear the pit-pitter-pat of the rain

 

(Verse 3)

Well, old Jim Crispin had daggers for thumbs

He slept with his hands in a drawer

His bones were all chalky from bleeding malarkey

His typing was like a lawnmower

His wife was afflicted with plagues of the skin

From smelling his rot and from taking him in,

And she plied with her mother to pay to discover

A cure for her lover’s particular sin

So I told him I’d cure him for thirty a week

And his wife signed the papers and kissed on my cheek

But when I collected I said I expected

A bloodied-up dogsbody served on a pike

She ran to the ear of the King of Dogberry

(That man who by women has been known to tarry

And who as a judge is so willing to fudge

Any ruling for tossing his jewels to the prairie)

Well, long story shorter, Jim paid up his due

For a dagger-thumb kills so much quicker, he knew,

Then a man whole of body, all swarthy and ruddy,

With his heart on his sleeve and my foot in his flue

 

(Chorus)

Come with me to the Dogberry Sea

Where you shall not need a raincoat

Come with me to th’cellar of the sea

Where you shall not want for a thing

For some folks wander and some folks wane

And some folks gutter the bend in the drain

But the best folks sink to the dregs of the drink

Where they can’t hear the pit-pitter-pat of the rain

 

(Verse 4)

Well, rich men, they never go down to the tide

And they rarely step foot in the reeds

So when a rich man puts his shoe to the sand

You can bet there’s a corse at his need

And King Cauliflower, (not wealthy nor poor,

As the sky was his banner, the ocean his store)

At court had a man with a stain on his hand,

Young Philip, the potentate’s name to restore

So the merry old King disposed of the body

And buttered Phil’s fanny, unbloodied his bloody

And when he had won, the deed was undone

And the salt-watered soul was rechristened “Nobody”

Come the next summer, when Philip’s young daughter

Was fixed to be wed as her father had taught her

Well, here came the bride with a thorn in her side

With the bells all a-stilled, and the wine turned to water

The vicar was bribed, and the bellows untried,

The vows all unspoken, the dowry denied

And when the new missus bent over for kisses

“Nobody” kissed salt to the lips of his bride

 

(Chorus)

Come with me to the Dogberry Sea

Where you shall not need a raincoat

Come with me to the cellar of the sea

Where you shall not want for a thing

For some folks wander and some folks wane

And some folks gutter the bend in the drain

But the best folks sink to the dregs of the drink

Where they can’t hear the pit-pitter-pat of the rain