Given the hyper-capitalistic drive to sodomize every American, it’s a wonder gay marriage and anal sex aren’t condoned. In fact, I suggest that we all bend over in front of the nearest flag and wait for the creditors to bang us in the ass three times, once for the interest and twice for the mysterious penalty charges. Freed from criminal liability, the banks have managed to legalize ass rape. “Oh,” they cry, “but the plaintiffs’ attorneys, the plaintiffs’ attorneys!”

Now, let me guess: It’s our personal responsibility we’ve landed in this doggie-style position, perhaps because we made the mistake of returning to school to complete our useless educations and become slaves of the fed, or we re-mortgaged our homes to buy, you know, food.

This is a recession song, and very soon it will be even more depressing. If you like that kind of music, finding it cathartic, you need only say, “Brother, can you spare a dime?” and you’re 1/99th the way to purchasing it from I-Tunes.

I don’t mean to complain. I would never do such a thing because I have great faith in this country, faith so deep that I know what to expect at every moment: the worst. “Our system may not be perfect, but it’s the best in the world.” Sounds like Microsoft explaining Windows.

Yes, let us count our blessings… -1…-2…-3… That’s in Fahrenheit. Were it Celsius, the U.S. dollar might be worth more than a Dorito. And that’s what you’ll be living on soon, so be thankful. It could be worse; it could be a pork rind.

Now, I don’t want my atheism to get in the way of my faith, but let’s paraphrase John Lennon and put it simply: Atheists are the niggers of the world. I don’t want to be a nigger, nor a Negro, nor black, nor African-American, because I’m screwed enough as a cracker; that’s the way it goes, so watcha gonna do? I gave up Lent for Lent.

I tried lying to myself. I almost gave prayer a shot, but the pennies kept falling from my hands, and I dropped the gun. Besides, the pennies might have come from heaven, for they proclaim, “In God We Trust,” although a better motto would be, “In Trust Funds We Trust.”

Why anyone comes here, especially legally, ’tis a mystery. It’s the height of governmental irresponsibility not to force immigrants into watching five episodes of Cops, then telling them, “That’s going to be your neighborhood…It’s up to you.”

Yet again, I say unto thee, “Do not lose faith.” Good News is on the way, in the form of a depression not subject to the effects of SSRIs. It’s even possible the wealthy might suffer by having to sell a fourth home. I know how that goes; I just had to move out of my first home. Imagine moving out of your fourth home! It’s too much to comprehend such misery; it confounds the imagination.

Before I moved, I lived on Sanibel Island, Florida. It’s enough to make a normal person sick to watch four retards pedaling a canopied contraption as if they desire to be ridiculed, but I never judge others. I love my neighbor from a distance of five miles or more. I do unto others as they do unto me. Isn’t that how the Copper Rule works? If so, it should count its blessings; at least it has a job.

I might as well admit that I’ve abandoned my quasi-socialism and become a God-fearing capitalist. I am doing quite well capitalizing on myself and have already earned a healthy profit for someone else. Soon, I will whore myself to myself, in order to pay the holy tax of free enterprise. Every act of fellatio would put a quarter in the jar, but my back hurts from bending over based on reasons I enumerated in the first paragraph, and the National Endowment for the Arts has yet to contact me.

Still, I am taking personal responsibility for myself. I, in fact, am responsible for everything. I live in Sarasota, Florida. Kill me, if you like; the PR might allow me to leave an inheritance. After all, Personal Responsibility is my middle name. It’s such a thin line when forty is the new twenty, which is the old ten, which is the new eighteen. By these calculations, my age of 43 years varies from fifteen to sixteen. I’m proud of it. I stand with a torch held high and call myself the Statue of Puberty. I was sent by France, as a gift, bought on the cheap with American dollars.

In life, giving is the main thing. Why, even the Canadian dollar buys more than the American version. That’s because Canadians drink a lot of beer and generate better hockey players. They give us good hockey, and we give them dollars worth 1923 German marks.

But there is hope. Raise your heads. Our God is an awesome God, and man-made miracles wait just around the bend. This morning, a pigeon delivered to me a prophesy: The sun shall melt the human race into a puddle of flesh, and verily the heat-resistant insects will control the earth. They’ll take a bigger bite than bankers, but at least we won’t be present to feel it. I told you the Good News was coming. It’s here; it’s there; it’s everywhere.

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PAUL A. TOTH's Airplane Novel, already a Midwest Book Review Reviewer's Choice and the 9/11 novel, is available now. His other novels include Finale, Fishnet and Fizz. Click here to visit his sites.

8 responses to “Atheists Are the Niggers of the World”

  1. Oh please, Atheism is totally in vogue. Let’s take a poll of how many TNB members believe in God…

  2. Paul A. Toth says:

    Let’s. Atheism may be in vogue amongst some book buyers, but so long as “spiritual but not religious” is included as a choice, I’ll lay money on atheists still being the minority even here. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

    • Greg Olear says:

      I agree that it’s in vogue, but I’m not one. I find the idea of atheism profoundly depressing.

      This is a great piece, Paul…I missed it the first time around.


  3. Jim Simpson says:

    I read somewhere that God died and was consumed by a pack of wild dogs. (Ok, it was Ron Currie, Jr. who told me this: http://roncurriejr.net) So, I guess all this God talk is pointless.

  4. Carl D'Agostino says:

    Hello, Paul. I used to use “Brother Can You Spare a Dime?” in my AP American History Class. It is not only the song title but a book title for say 125 pages about Great Depression. The song is so 30’s and like the Bob Dylan stuff and anti Vietnam stuff of the 60’s. Social/political message. And the book is so heart wrenching. For me the disbursement of WW 1 vets assembled in Washington for benefits and how they were disbursed with tear gas and bayonets, Oh it brought tears to my eyes. Those were our vets, man. Disgraceful. (Bonus Army). I know you said in our AA discussions you were starting your MA(how’s it going?) but the book is a short quick read and you will gain so much understanding of why that era of folks is called the “Greatest Generation.”

  5. Paul A. Toth says:

    I’m catching up here; I was never notified of some of these comments.

    Greg: It won’t be in vogue for long. For one, most of those making the arguments via books are preaching to the choir, so to speak, and while the religious may see the recent prevalence of these books as a long-lasting downward spiral, I see it as mere niche marketing.

    Jim: This post was made a while ago. I’ve since changed my position; I no longer call myself an “atheist.” The word packs connotations I don’t carry. I prefer no term at all, but I must, I’ll use my own “Zeroist,” which is a self-negating term that basically says I’ve nothing to say on the issue because it’s simply not an issue to me now, unless rights are infringed upon. Of course, to say this silently is, unfortunately, impossible…the limitation of words.

    Carl: I will check it out. The depression fascinates me. Thanks for the referral. Amazon loves me.

  6. sheree says:

    Fantastic writing. I read something yesterday afternoon by another writer. He posted a piece by Paul Street called Socialism. You may find it interesting.

  7. Paul A. Toth says:


    Thank you much. I’m curious: Did somebody post a link to this piece? It suddenly came alive today with comments, when I’ve considered it “dead” for months and months. Strange! Thanks for the Paul Street referral. I will check it out when I return from a brief respite.

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