I Envy EveryoneBy Paul A. Toth
February 07, 2009
“Envy eats nothing but its own heart.” ~ German proverb
I envy everyone.
I envy you my love with your wobbly leg and neurological condition. I wonder what it’s like to have a physical reason for suffering and I wonder why my infirmities teach me nothing yet you seem to learn with every fall.
I envy other writers. I won’t read your words too closely unless you’re dead. It goes that far.
I envy people with a few good friends and those with many superficial friends and others with no friends at all. They seem content in their social standing.
I envy those who set themselves on fire. I wonder what it’s like to care that much. I pretend to care that much but don’t.
I envy those who learn not to drink and those who maintain drinking at a safe level. Sometimes I wish they would trade places just to make me feel less lonely.
I envy homeowners with barren houses and I envy homeowners with things placed everywhere so that I can’t move a toe without breaking something of questionable value but which they value. I envy those who value nothing and I envy those who value everything. I’m always in between, wondering which one to be.
I envy people who exercise in the Y across the way from my apartment. They take care of their bodies like their cars and I guarantee their cars are in better condition than any car I’ve ever owned. People live until an an age computed from the average mileage their cars reach before the engines blow.
I envy people who worry about smoking and others who don’t worry about smoking. I wish I cared more and I wish I cared less.
I envy dog owners with the patience for barking. I can only imagine such patience. I wonder if dog owners are better for it but I can only wonder. I am always wondering.
I envy people who buy things and love them like people. I often move away from everything I own and then I wonder if I love anything and worse whether I love anyone. I wonder if people who love things love people. Only they can tell but I’m too shy to ask.
I envy people who constantly talk and I envy the silent types. Both seem comfortable with their social skills.
I envy everyone. I easily assume the German accent of a not-so-gentle man seeking liebestraum for his endless wondering and wandering. I hope he finds his answers and loses the phony accent that hides his envy when he smiles at you and says, “Hello.”
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