April 24, 2010
It’s approximately 3:00 a.m. You can’t sleep, so you’re watching this infomercial. I’m here to tell you that you can win by losing. Yes, you, like me, can decide that if we’re not cut out for the Darwinian hell of America, we might as well cash in on our own terms. And those terms are what? Avoiding even attempting to make any cash, period. This inverse pyramid scheme is guaranteed to succeed with only one requirement on your part: dying before you can possibly repay your school loans. I know, it doesn’t sound very personally responsilityish, but let’s put that lie to rest.
My friend, whenever someone dares tell you, “Take personal responsibility for your own actions,” they’re really saying, “It’s all your fault.” But it’s not. Did you create the economy? No! End of story.
Now, understand that the American educational system is itself a Ponzi scheme…and you’re the ponce. That is, unless you work the educational system by not working. You see, the moment you sign up for school loans, you’ve volunteered to become a slave or, perhaps less offensively to everyone but yourself, a wage slave. Most of your wages will be going where? Right back to the banks that financed your education. Nice trick, eh?
Look at you now, lying in a layer of potato chips. You’re trapped. You’ve no employment opportunities. Someone stole the wheels from your trailer; you can’t even abandon your lot. How old are you, anyway? I’m guessing somewhere between 38 and 50. If younger, you’d most likely be passed out in a drunken stupor or on your way to one, rather than watching infomercials in a sober stupor.
Yes, you’ve heard the pitch before: “Better reeducate yourself, because one career per year just isn’t good enough anymore.” But, you think, “I’m too old for that.”
Bull’s eye! Here’s how we’ll invert that pyramid we’ve been enlisted to build and which we shall deconstruct at our leisure. You see, if you enroll in school and continue with the goal of a PhD, you’ll very likely die before you even come close to completing your education. What’s that mean? Well, my friend, it means that unless you’re stupid enough to take out private loans, you won’t even sack your lovely mate with debt because it’s non-transferable. You’ll take your improved brains and increased debt to the grave, having benefited no one.
“Wait one second,” you say. “That’s unethical. Shouldn’t I use my education to better society?”
Listen to me. Better a loan than a dream deferred. You’re going to defer your entire life. In doing so, you can do all sorts of things between online classes, even be creative, which will earn you even less money. That spells “freelance employee” tax deductions! And, unlike moneymakers, you’re not harming anyone. You benefit society by virtue of lacking virtue. Now you’re playing Monopoly, but you’re playing by your rules. Everyone’s money gets pooled on the parking spot, where you park your little silver car. And you’re not going anywhere. Not for a lousy 200 dollars and another trip past Baltic Avenue.
Still putting up a fight? I can practically hear you thinking, “But what about the taxpayers I’m sticking my debt to?”
What about them? There’s nothing to stop them from exploiting opportunity. Isn’t that what America’s all about, exploiting opportunity?
Pick yourself up by your bootstraps, unleash those bootstraps, and take your damn boots off. For God’s sake, why wear boots when you don’t do anything and you’re not going to do anything?
I’ve now supplied the solution to your problems. You will educate yourself to death. A mind is a terrible thing to waste, but not as terrible as time wasted rolling “beef” into tacos at $9 an hour. There’s a sucker born every minute, but there’s also a sucker reborn every minute. Baptize yourself in a nice, long, hot bath and get ready for a good night’s sleep because you, friend, are going to be an intelligent, well-informed corpse, and all you have to do to get there is consume a high-fat diet…just to be safe.