Kotex Masculine Protection Pads: 21st Century Protection for the 21st Century Man

Neenah, Wisconsin – Kotex, the leader in feminine protection, announces today the ambitious plan to expand its consumer base from 50.9 percent of the population to 100 percent. We’re not creating a new market niche but only fulfilling the needs of an existing one, visible when walking behind any crowd of men. Thus, we announce Kotex Masculine Protection Pads. If women have periods, men have exclamation points, and they can happen any day of the month. Men, your exclamation points are as unique as you are!

Now you’ll wear those khaki pants with confidence. Our winged pads provide maximum absorption and leakage prevention. Our patented Masculine Protection Pads are made from the finest and thickest cotton, yet remain invisible whether inside boxers, briefs or male panties.

Out late last night drinking with the boys? No more fear of the “squirts.” Just line your preferred undergarment and let it rip. Kotex Masculine Protection Pads are designed for even the most challenging days.

Say goodbye to embarrassing spotting. Walk the office corridors proud that you’ve forever silenced the chatter and laughter at the water cooler you couldn’t help but know was aimed at the results of your exclamation points.

We at Kotex understand men may blush when first purchasing Masculine Protection Pads, but as word spreads that every man uses masculine protection, your blush will transform into a smile.

To our investors, we know you’ll see the value in our doubling Kotex product sales. We will aggressively market masculine protection as a need that has been neglected for too long and which every male must satisfy. Society changes, and so does Kotex. We’ve realized the time is now for men to begin considering what women have for so long deemed a matter of habit, and we will pose that habit as a necessity.

We want all men to enjoy the kind of protection women take for granted.  Whether you’re out of toilet paper or too busy for proper hygiene, Kotex Masculine Protection Pads will be there to keep you looking fresh and clean, whether or not you actually are. And for big men, Kotex Maximum Masculine Protection Pads will safeguard you against even the heaviest intake of creamy sauces.

Slim or big, Kotex Masculine Protection Pads provide the 21st Century man a solution to the problem that’s lasted throughout the existence of his clothes and perhaps even longer. Join Kotex in the 21st Century. Turn that sad exclamation point into a happy exclamation point, announcing to the world, “I’m a man, and I wear Kotex Masculine Protection Pads!”

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PAUL A. TOTH's Airplane Novel, already a Midwest Book Review Reviewer's Choice and the 9/11 novel, is available now. His other novels include Finale, Fishnet and Fizz. Click here to visit his sites.

23 responses to “The Time Is Now: Masculine Protection Pads”

  1. Irene Zion says:


    I checked to see that this was not “non-fiction.”
    That is either a credit to you or another check in my demented list.
    I hope it’s a credit to you.

  2. Paul A. Toth says:

    I’m not sure it’s exactly a credit, but it is fiction…so far.

  3. Gloria says:

    “Whether you’re out of toilet paper or too busy for proper hygiene…”

    ha ha ha ha ha

    That sounds nothing like men. Not to stereotype or anything.

    This is hilarious.

  4. Simon Smithson says:

    “your blush will transform into a smile.”

    AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…. there’s something about this that just has such an image to it…

  5. Brian Eckert says:

    This product has been out for years. Its called the manpon.

  6. Paul A. Toth says:

    The manpon doesn’t have a logo; ergo, it doesn’t exist.

  7. dwoz says:

    This product has made my back porch obsolete. I’m going to have to find a new use for it.

    Maybe I can find some white goods around somewhere to put on it.

  8. Paul A. Toth says:

    Not only that, but you can wear white pants with confidence!

  9. There were so many hilarious lines in this that I won’t bother quoting. I was laughing from start to end.

    • Judy Prince says:

      “A skid mark’s dream!” Brilliant, Stephanie! We might be talking Kotex fitted (not to the man but the bed) sheets, or something like those felt-covered rubber sheet pads for babies’ beds. Or better yet—-bum wipes (the equivalent of baby wipes) at the ready next to the toilet!

      @Paul, you’ve inspired a generation of women to buy things for men who haven’t been entirely potty-trained. Now get on that global marketing and new product research.

      I’ll add “Never use bum wipes” to my *Reject Men Who Do This* checklist. Thanks, Paul, for your sensitive (NOT), mis-labeled, and goofy humour post.

      BTW, are you Hungarian?

  10. “And homemaker’s like it too – no more spending hours of back breaking work
    bleaching out your hubbie’s unsightly hershey squirts!”

  11. Paul A. Toth says:

    Heritage-wise, I’m Hungarian. This should explain it all.

    Here’s the Hungarian Suicide Anthem:

    Little white flowers won’t wait for you,
    not where the black coach of sorrow has taken you.
    Angels have no thought of ever returning you.
    Would they be angry if I thought of joining you?

    Bereft of pharmaceutical cures, if not pharmaceuticals, I dream of products to be sold in pharmacies.

    • Judy Prince says:

      Why are you bereft of pharmaceuticals, Paul?

      The article you refer to is a bit of a tease; it doesn’t satisfy in explaining the Hungarians’ mood.

      The Hungarians I met in the USA after the Hungarian Revolution in 1956 were a volatile, emotionally and physically demonstrative, musical, artistic, cuisine-creating bunch.

      My father, born in the USA, whose parents were immigrants from Hungary, shared none of the characteristics of the Hungarians who had recently arrived from Hungary.

      I visited Buda and Pest for a couple weeks in 1989 and found it unexpectedly and thoroughly depressing, primarily because the economy was so down.

  12. Dan Newland says:

    Great too for the heartbreak of prostatitus and premature ejaculation! Just think, no more snide comments like, “Hey chump, is that a pee stain or are you just happy to see me?”

  13. Paul A. Toth says:

    Our technicians are working on that now and plan to flop out Masculine Protection with Frontal Protection Wings® in October of 2010. Hold it a little longer: Help is on the way!

  14. Cynthia Hawkins says:

    I think if it also offered something like hands-free ball adjustment technology and if the Old Spice Body-Wash guy could be the pitchman suddenly there would be far less stigma attached to the purchase of these.

  15. Paul A. Toth says:

    Judy: I’m not bereft of pharmaceuticals; I’m bereft of pharmaceutical cures, as I stated. I was born in 1964; the only immigrants I knew were my grandparents. They were primarily interested in stuffed cabbage.

    Cynthia: As a matter of fact, we’ve devised a system of hands-free ball adjustment via puppet strings hidden by clothing. This product, to be called Pebble Beach Appliers, will be released in 2011. We’re also currently in negotiations with Old Spice for a possible buyout, after which we will develop a fragrant and yummy new product: Tasty Testes.

  16. Judy Prince says:

    Not only are you psychic, Paul (I’ve been thinking about tottit kapuszta—stuffed cabbage—all day), but you’ve outdone yourself with this: “As a matter of fact, we’ve devised a system of hands-free ball adjustment via puppet strings hidden by clothing. This product, to be called Pebble Beach Appliers, will be released in 2011. We’re also currently in negotiations with Old Spice for a possible buyout, after which we will develop a fragrant and yummy new product: Tasty Testes.”

  17. Lovelace Moore says:

    That was delightfully sick. Nice job!

  18. Josh says:

    I did a poop while reading this

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