I know you have one. I do. I can feel the connectivity like string theory stretched across universes. And I appreciate your efforts to further my vagina’s creative mind-body pathways and how you’ve helped usher many vaginas to the top floors of corporate America. I get it. I do. But please. Please. Stop speaking for my vagina as if your vagina and my vagina are friends. Our vaginas have not met. They do not know each other at all and it’s a little bit creepy.

You remind me of high school and the girl who ran for class president with all her ribbons and buttons and then won class president and spent the entire year lobbying for vegetarian selections in the cafeteria. Most of our class didn’t give a shit about vegetarian selections. We wanted better pizza with better pepperoni. We wanted new soccer balls. We wanted to keep our arts program that was losing state funding, but this girl just kept on yammering about vegetarian selections, when everyone knew she ate McDonald’s cheeseburgers on the weekends.

Here’s the thing. My vagina can speak quite well for herself. Really. My vagina has a well-developed vocabulary. She knows her alphabet and all the state capitals. She knows how to achieve her best orgasm and how to tell a penis to fuck off. So when you speak or write for my vagina and her right to orgasm or her right and duty to hold a CEO position or her political duty to prefer other vaginas or to not bear children or to bear children or that she needs twenty minutes and a tantric massage for full impact, it just pisses her off. It’s like a penis telling her what she wants, or worse, a penis telling other penises what she wants. Sometimes a vagina just wants a lazy fuck.

Please. Enough with the universal lobbying of vagina rights, vagina memoirs, vagina how-tos and vagina declarations and constitutions. She is not a political property.

And a note to both conservative and liberal vaginas who have not birthed children: When you spout unbirthed wisdoms on how to raise children, regardless of your political inclinations, it makes this birthed vagina and many other birthed vaginas want to kick you in the hole with a big, pointy, steel-toed, cowgirl boot. Unbirthed vaginas, hear this. You are in extreme risk when you say things like, “Yoga and organic broccoli will fix that,” or “Kids don’t have proper discipline these days,” when your friend’s hyperactive two-year-old has pulled down his shorts and squatted and is taking a shit in the corner of the Starbucks’ dining area.

Please understand. My vagina has a college degree and she is socially/politically involved. She can achieve full orgasm. She has a doctor and medical care and works in and outside the home. She is well-advised and learned and she wants you to know she thanks you kindly for your time and sentiment, she really does, but please, please, please stop speaking for her and/or about her as if you know her.

All best,

Rae on behalf of her vagina

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RAE BRYANT’s short story collection, The Indefinite State of Imaginary Morals, released from Patasola Press, NY, in June 2011. Her stories have appeared or are soon forthcoming in StoryQuarterly, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, BLIP Magazine, Gargoyle Magazine, and Redivider, among other publications and have been nominated for the Pen/Hemingway, Pen Emerging Writers, and Pushcart awards. She writes essays and reviews for such places as New York Journal of Books, Puerto del Sol, and Beatrice.com. You can find her at www.raebryant.com.

5 responses to “To Naomi Wolf and Other Strange Women Who Speak for and/or about My Vagina as If It Were a Political Party”

  1. xtx says:

    Heck yeah! Hey, Rae, my vagina wants to invite your vagina out for a nice, invigorating hike in the Hollywood hills and then a couple of banana milkshakes at Mel’s on Sunset. Lemme know and we’ll set something up for them.

  2. anna says:

    I know what you mean. I’m thinking soon I’ll start seeing vagina puppets in the stores. Loved this piece!

    • Rae Bryant says:

      Thanks, Anna. Yes, I’m sure someone will be decorating their Christmas trees with vagina ornaments. And I’ve seen plenty of vagina dresses around. I think Clinique has a new lip shade, too… Vagina is the new black.

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