Tattoo Ideas That I Thought Were Really Cool While Drunk, But Now in The Harsh Light of Sobriety I’m Relieved I Never Got…

A Harley biker with some naked chick riding shotgun, running over a unicorn.

A wizard perched atop a bloodshot eyeball, rolling a pair of dice across a panther’s back.

Princess Leia from Star Wars, her thighs wrapped seductively around a giant corndog.

Anything with a marijuana leaf.

A pack of armed and angry clowns all over my back.

Godzilla battling Mothra to the death as a gaggle of Japanese-anime girls look on in wide-eyed shock all up and down my arm.

The Chinese symbol for drunk nice and big on the back of my neck.

Hulk Hogan, anywhere.

Marvin the Martin crucified on the cross.

Jesus at the helm of a B-52, bombing the shit out of an already bleeding mom heart.

Across my delt, the name of that hot first cousin I kissed at a wedding when I was eighteen.

A margarita and an order of curly fries sitting beneath a palm tree.

Anything with an anchor.

The Anheiser Busch beer bird soaring around the sun.

A dolphin leaping over the moon.

The Lucky Charms leprechaun sitting on the john, reading Soldier of Fortune magazine.

Anything, and I mean anything with a Goat Man playing panpipes.

Daffy Duck, Bugs Bunny, and the Tasmanian devil surrounded by the words Party Animal, just above my groin.

Across my forehead: I’m Sorry.

Just above my ass: Must Wash Hands Before Returning to Work.

And all over my chest: a René Magritte/Salvador Dali/ Georgia O’Keeffe inspired work of a cow skull-headed guy wandering through the desert; his teeth are dripping clocks; his third eye, a green apple; and overhead, tigers are leaping through a rose-dappled sky, and all the fluffy white clouds are reclining naked women, whose imaginings coalesce into one huge thought bubble saying: Ceci n’est pas une pipe.

In other words: This is not a pipe.