Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was a maleficent ex-Vegas lounge singer with an overactive middle finger that ultimately caused him to get kicked off SurvivorProject Runway, and Dancing With The Stars all in the same day.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was a hangnail-ridden, hackneyed herpetologist with a knock-kneed, nitroglycerin-swiggin’ alter ego, brawlin’ like Kid Rock at a Georgia Waffle House.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was a kinkajou-kicking schmuck, whose highly boasted Proustian split personality was merely a pimple-ridden protuberance on the left butt cheek of the blues.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was a clap-traperous, flimsy-assed gypsy with a Sisyphus boulder for a crystal ball, and who could read tealeaves about as well as he read the New Yorker—that is to say not at all.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was a hazardous waste dumping demagogue, pumped so full of bad feng shui and Demerol that he kept mistaking North Peoria for the North Pole, and Satan for Santa.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was a gas huffing, NyQuil chugging rabble-rouser who’s yelled for every bar band from Boise to Bangor to play “Free Bird,” all while Twittering, playing Twister, and twiddling his fingers.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was a bilgewater-brained bigamist with mescal-chugging, Mesolithic tendencies and nowhere near the brains and savvy of Obama’s future dog.

Happy a happy holiday season anyway, y’all.

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RICH FERGUSON has performed nationally, and has shared the stage with Patti Smith, Wanda Coleman, Exene Cervenka, T.C. Boyle, Jerry Stahl, Bob Holman, Loudon Wainwright, Ozomatli, and many other esteemed poets and musicians. He has performed on The Tonight Show, at the Redcat Theater in Disney Hall, the New York City International Fringe Festival, the Bowery Poetry Club, South by Southwest, the Santa Cruz Poetry Festival, Stephen Elliott’s Rumpus, and with UK-based poetry collective One Taste. He is also a featured performer in the film, What About Me? (the sequel to the double Grammy-nominated film 1 Giant Leap), featuring Michael Stipe, Michael Franti, k.d. lang, Krishna Das, and others. He has been published in the LA TIMES, Opium Magazine, has been widely anthologized, spotlighted on PBS (Egg: The Art Show), and was a winner in Opium Magazine’s Literary Death Match, LA. His spoken word/music videos have been featured at poetry film festivals throughout the world. Ferguson is a Pushcart-nominated poet, and a poetry editor at The Nervous Breakdown. His poetry collection 8th & Agony has been published by L.A.’s Punk Hostage Press.

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