December 21, 2010
Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer was a plutonium-toting, off-key singing tailgater; a rabble-rousing, Scrabble-nabber so high on grain alcohol and greenhouses gasses that he couldn’t even parkour his way across a simple thought.
Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer was a Beethoven-brawling humbug artist; a party-crashing, birdhouse-smashing, foul-breathed barfly, who was continually sucking all the fun out of life through his satanic sippy straw.
Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer was a hazardous waste-dumping demagogue pumped so full of bad feng shui and Demerol that he couldn’t even tell the difference between a faucet leak and WikiLeaks.
Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer was a gas-huffing, pill-popping double-crossing flim-flammer; a hammer-wielding, waitress-hating harbinger of hangovers and halitosis, who’d rather spend his time tipping over cows than learning the Power of Now.
Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer was a karma-bashing, gun-toting, fully bloated bad tattoo artist that farted at weddings and funerals, and was constantly thinking of new ways to harsh your high while Jimi Hendrix was trying to kiss your sky.
Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer was a half-hearted, hazardous waste-dumping demagogue; a mescal-chugging, glue-sniffing gymnast that couldn’t touch his toes even if they were handed to him, or pole vault the tiny period at the end of this sentence.
Happy Holidays, Everyone!