Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer was a carminative, carnival-hating carnivore with a voracious appetite for plump pluralists speaking in the persnickety pluperfect; and was constantly being busted for driving drunk with an expired poetic license.

Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer was a highly intoxicated, contumacious succubus; a mealy-mouthed, heavily medicated, nitrous-huffing hitman that couldn’t shoot his way out of a greasy paperbag.

Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer was a snide, snafu-loving, crappy lapidary, whose drooling dreams of overly depressed dromedaries were more painful than a demonstrative dreadnought in your noggin.

Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer was a double-crossing, conniption-throwing con artist that was once busted for keeping an arsenal of saccharine, Silly String, and sodium nitrate in a mountain cabin once owned by the Unabomber.

Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer was a sarcastic, hotel towel-stealing, hangover artist; a hanky-panky practicing, skank-loving, loopy & loquacious Wall Street banker whose soul was an all-night crematorium for creativity & coincidences.

Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer was a defrocked and dehydrated follower of zymurgy and zombie logic; a bowlegged & brainwashed, jukebox-bashing bondsman, highly skilled in the ju jitsu of junkfood.

Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer was a Viagra-popping, far-from-demulcent denominator for the fraction of fractured faith healers; a hernia in the body of hope; a hemorrhoid on the ass of ardency; and a total cheater when it comes to Parcheesi.

Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer was a somnambulant, shrink-wrapped & wilted vibrator for the sex life of lethargy; a tantrum-throwing, Mother Theresa-hating headbanger whose great hubris & halitosis were far more unnerving than being tailgated by a time bomb.

Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer was a fainthearted & hypersensitive sesquipedalian; a distraught & divisive virologist whose life was a facsimile of a facsimile of a poorly written simile.

Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer was a cholera-ridden, mosquito-bitten polysyllable basher; a party-crashing conduit for slobbering dromedaries and fractured fairy tales full of false endings and wishes that never come true.


Happy a happy holiday season anyway, y’all!



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RICH FERGUSON has performed nationally, and has shared the stage with Patti Smith, Wanda Coleman, Exene Cervenka, T.C. Boyle, Jerry Stahl, Bob Holman, Loudon Wainwright, Ozomatli, and many other esteemed poets and musicians. He has performed on The Tonight Show, at the Redcat Theater in Disney Hall, the New York City International Fringe Festival, the Bowery Poetry Club, South by Southwest, the Santa Cruz Poetry Festival, Stephen Elliott’s Rumpus, and with UK-based poetry collective One Taste. He is also a featured performer in the film, What About Me? (the sequel to the double Grammy-nominated film 1 Giant Leap), featuring Michael Stipe, Michael Franti, k.d. lang, Krishna Das, and others. He has been published in the LA TIMES, Opium Magazine, has been widely anthologized, spotlighted on PBS (Egg: The Art Show), and was a winner in Opium Magazine’s Literary Death Match, LA. His spoken word/music videos have been featured at poetry film festivals throughout the world. Ferguson is a Pushcart-nominated poet, and a poetry editor at The Nervous Breakdown. His poetry collection 8th & Agony has been published by L.A.’s Punk Hostage Press.

29 responses to “Raise a Mug O’ Holiday Cheer, Fine TNB Friends, Because It’s Time For Another Rudolph Rant…”

  1. Tammy Allen says:


  2. pixy says:


    this will never stop being rad!
    especially this: “a hernia in the body of hope; a hemorrhoid on the ass of ardency; and a total cheater when it comes to Parcheesi”

    i wish you nothing but humbugs and eggnog.


  3. Tammy Allen says:

    I had to look up zymurgy and sesquipedalian. I found this: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SesquipedalianLoquaciousness
    pretty funny and weird.

    Don’t let Rudolph talk you into that last shot. He’s known to slip in a roofie so he can fly your passed out ass to the top of the world. Then he’ll press your tongue against the North Pole, where he’ll leave you for dead. Your somnambulism could cause you to try to walk away thus waking you up to the excruciating pain of your tongue being ripped off; which of course would be better than dying. Just presupposing again.

  4. Tammy Allen says:

    pluperfect. Such a grand lesson in vocabulary.

  5. I’m going to have nightmares. (Clown.) I mean that in a good way. 🙂

  6. The alliteration, rhythm, and imagery in this piece are really quite mindblowing.

    Merry Christmas.

  7. Great stuff as usual, fellow Scorpio (or not, according to Erika). I will finally put down my dictionary and take a ten minute breather.

  8. Dana says:

    Excellent, right down to the pictures! The fat/pregnant Rudolph doesn’t unnerve me as much as the giant cattails on the wall behind him/her. At first glance I thought corn dogs. Now that’s a mural I can get behind.

    Happy Noggodays!

  9. Joe Daly says:

    You know I’ve always been a fan, and this does nothing to diminish my abiding love for all you throw down. Would love to hear this backed with some drop-D tuning and a kick drum that sounds like a cannon.

    • Sounds hella cool, Joe. Love the way you think, musically and otherwise. Speaking of which, still think about that baseball story you read at TNB-San Diego. Great work. Happy Holidays, and your card’s on its way!

  10. kristen says:

    Oh how I love and delight in this. xo.

  11. I love this Rich! So flip, fun, irreverent, and absolutely right up my alley! A great romp.

  12. Lisa Rae Cunningham says:

    Wonderful as ever, darlin. Happy 2012. xo

    • Lisa Rae Cunningham says:

      PS. Just taking a gander through your new bio. You met Patti Smith? She’s the ultimate paradox of ethereal gravity and my latest celebrity crush. I didn’t want Just Kids to end, not ever. I’m in love with her.

      • Thanks for reading, Lisa. And yes, I agree. Patti is the best. Funny you should mention Just Kids. I reread it recently. Held up so well. In fact, in some ways it got even better on second read. Was able to truly enjoy so many of the subtle nuances within the writing, and was able to go deeper into the story.

        Happy New Year to you and yours, my dear. Hope we see more of each other around this crazy city of ours.

  13. D.R. Haney says:

    Because of all you say, Rich, Rudolph is banned from the party that Sean Beaudoin and I are throwing. But I certainly hope you’ll stop by.

    • Hah! Yes indeed, Duke, don’t let Rudolph come to your party. He’ll rape, pillage, and plunder, then leave you and Sean to clean up the mess. As for me, yes, I’d love to come to your party. Thanks. And Happy New Year, my friend!

  14. jmblaine says:

    I don’t think I’ve missed
    one of Rudolf’s Rants
    in five or so years now.
    Always nice to see you

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