Hey Mom!


Paul, your son.

I know, bad connection sometimes on the Bluetooth.

It’s a phone thing.

How are you?

I said, how are you. You good?


You are? What are you planting?

Cabbage, huh. Do you eat a lot of cabbage?

Yeah, it is kind of pretty.

So, listen, Mom, I was wondering what you’re doing this weekend and if you wanted to join me and Janna and the kids for a couple days in Florida.

I know. It’s pretty hot there this time of year. But it will be nice for us all to be together. I have to go there for work and I thought maybe you’d want to pop down with us.

Yeah, we could possibly fit in a little fly fishing. Maybe some knick-knack collecting, strolling, they probably have cabbage… I’m going to be speaking at a fundraiser/rally you could join me for that.

I don’t know, a little of this, a little of that. Most people want to hear my thoughts about the future of the country which seems kind of tedious to me but I’m glad to oblige.

Anyway, it would be like old times when you used to take me places and I’d listen to you talk.

When did we do that? How about my whole childhood?

Why are you resisting this? You never do anything I want.

I do too call you just to say hi. When was the last time I asked you for something?

Dale wanted that more than me. I was just the one who took the initiative. Listen, relationships are a give and take. I don’t keep tabs on our love.

It sounds like you do.

Just let us do this for you.

All you need is to pack a bag for the weekend, some fun, senior-y outfits, we’ll take care of the rest.

Oh, I’m so glad. We’ll have fun.

I love you, Mom.

Thanks for understanding me. You’re the only one who really does.

K, someone will be by to pick you up in a “Romney-Ryan: We Say Words” van tomorrow around 3:00.

You’ll take your nap on the plane.

You’re the best. Now get cracking.

Don’t forget a hat.

A hat!

Bye, bye, Mom.

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RACHEL POLLON is a native Los Angeleno. Her writing has appeared online at The Nervous Breakdown, The Coachella Review, The Rumpus and The Weeklings, and in paperback form in The Beautiful Anthology and Teen Girls’ Comedic Monologues That Are Actually Funny. These pieces and more can be found on her website SeismicDrift.com. On Twitter she’s @RachPo and on Instagram @RachPoWills.

8 responses to “Transcript of Paul Ryan’s Side of the Conversation When He Called His Mom to Ask If She’d Join Him in Florida”

  1. James D. Irwin says:

    There is something inherently funny about cabbage. I’m not going to be able to follow the election now without picturing Paul Ryan holding a cabbage somewhere about his person— a cabbage with infinitely more charisma and integrity than Romney…

    • James D. Irwin says:

      You wouldn’t catch a cabbage bad-mouthing our Olympics!

      • Rachel Pollon says:

        Cabbage knows a thing or two about respect for one’s hosting country AND makes everyone in the room feel like they are the most interesting person around and can do great things. Cabbage 2016!

        • James D. Irwin says:

          Cabbage 2016: Come on America, it’s time to turn over a new leaf…

          • Rachel Pollon says:

            I thought of this a few times today and every time it made me smile. I love picturing Candidate Cabbage…and his awesome motto.

            • James D. Irwin says:

              Candidate Cabbage declares: ‘Romney foreign policy not a patch on mine!’

              Rest of the world sighs at yet more mediocre cabbage puns…

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