First come, first serve. One per person. No returns.

  • The Hypnic Jerks
  • Riff Medusae
  • Harumph!
  • My Share of the Dildo
  • Animals for Feminist Research

  • The Not Hardly’s
  • Let’s pretend we’re Gay
  • Flounder Pound
  • Rectum (Damn Near Killed ‘Em)
  • The Llewellyn Conspiracy
  • Clambake
  • Par for the Course
  • The Jack Mehoffs
  • I heart Tabitha’s Dick
  • The Bruits
  • Idling Zamboni
  • Forked
  • The Young Men
  • Sodomize God
  • Apres Chier (my favorite)
  • Hipsters on Fire
  • Dash Goodwood & the Knobs of Doom
  • The Imperfections
  • Colonel Candy Ass
  • The Gargantuan Cunts
  • Sepsis
  • The Bro Mos
  • Todd’s Having a Yard Sale
  • The Crawley Bum-Licks
  • Narcomedusa
  • Deiphagy
  • The Bitch Tits

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STACIE ADAMS is a drinker with a writing problem. She's currently working on a novel and hopes to complete it before the world ends in 2012. When she's not reading or writing she's at the bar telling people about the time she saw Queens of the Stone Age in a fortress in Germany. Her alter ego can be found at The First Church of mutterhals

55 responses to “Band Names Looking for a 
Good Home”

  1. Greg Olear says:


    Animals for Feminist Research is my favorite.

  2. Hipsters on Fire!!! My fave.

  3. A kindred spirit! I wish there were fictional band photos to accompany these.

    Clambake is my favorite.

    • SAA says:

      That’s a great idea about band photos, I didn’t think of that. If I had to do a fake bio I would say Clambake are the oldest living ska band and they routinely play rib festivals and street fairs. Thanks!

  4. Richard Cox says:

    These are all hilarious but for some reason My Share of the Dildo made me laugh the most. Ha!

    • SAA says:

      I actually stole that idea from a Chuck Palahniuk book. Thanks!

    • Gloria says:

      I loved My Share of the Dildo.


      • SAA says:

        Who doesn’t?

        • Tawni Freeland says:

          I love My Share of the Dildo, too. (I also like that band name.) And I will follow any band named The Bitch Tits from one end of the planet and back.

          True story: My ex-boyfriend went to high school with a guy called Bitch Tit. It seems one of his young man-breasts suddenly grew to an alarming size. Just one. So the other kids nicknamed him Bitch Tit. Rather than getting upset, he embraced the nickname, and would even pull said bitch tit out to show people on occasion, rather than acting ashamed or trying to hide it. This positive attitude of confident self-deprecation enabled him to become quite popular because of the bitch tit, rather than ridiculed for it. Someday, if my son is being teased at school for some reason (he’s a ginger like me, so my money’s on that), I will tell him The Legend of Bitch Tit. (:

  5. Cub Lea says:

    This is an old game, and one which, unlike Yahtzee and Angry Angry ‘Ousewives, deserves an occasional revival. I actually wrote an applet that created these some years back…I know it’s been copied but I can’t tell you the name of any of those apps. I used to keep a list of these, but most of them date back to the time of the Tall Hair…a couple I actually planned to use at one point were Ellis D. and the Burnouts, and one Aerosmith cover band I played with years back used to like to play the annual Players’ Ball as “Dexter Thorax and the Uptown Bisexuals”. The really good ones are rare though, and since I’ve begun rebuilding my list, I’ve only come up with four…but I think they’re good’uns:

    The Cluts: four dyslexic nymphomaniacs who sing about socks and snow jobs. Saw them at an all-ages nitrous rave with Crunchy Gonads, and Cummings and Gone.

    Jesus Dork, the surrealist disco band…they used to wear dinner jackets made entirely from James Bond hair…sheep used to LOVE that band (I suppose that makes them one of the few disco bands of the era that sheep weren’t afraid of)…they were also very big with manic-depressive cheerleaders.

    The Lords of Flextime: loved their debut CD Loud as Lunch

    Now lessee…where did I put Goddo’s “Kings of the Stoned Age”?

    • SAA says:

      If I ever get my Queens of the Stone Age cover band off the ground I plan on calling it Hommecide. Also, I christened my boyfriend’s band Enochian Mass, which I am unduly proud of. Manic Depressive Cheerleaders is pretty good, and who doesn’t love an uptown bisexual? Thanks!

  6. My toddler makes me watch Wheel of Fortune. This is how I know missed Wheels of Fortune puzzles make for excellent band names. Take this one for example: Rusted Manger. Some woman in a quilted vest and plastic hoop earrings actually thought an answer was “rusted manger.” That’s so metal!

    I think Idling Zamboni may be my favorite on here. I see no one’s claimed it … if I may …

  7. Nathaniel Missildine says:

    Nice, I love coming up with band names.

    Flounder Pound has such a perfect ring to it I’m surprised it hasn’t been taken and used for a band advertised in the back of the free weekly somewhere. Also, Idling Zamboni carries with it some kind of creepy/hysterical backstory.

    Now Death Cab for Cutie and Cymbals Eat Guitars are sad they didn’t consult you first.

  8. Obsidious Quake says:

    Oh hell yes, Rusted Manger!!! Hommecide did play a show at a bonfire party a few years back remember? You’re guaranteed a good time when Stacie has the mic. She received a standing ovation for her rendition of the Cramps “Human Fly” at a live band karaoke. 1am, smoke filled room, Stacie takes the stage (wearing sunglasses in the dark) with the disclaimer, “I can’t see and I can’t read”. Hilarity ensues.

    • SAA says:

      My stirring rendition, you forgot to add. If only someone would pay me to act a fool in public, then we could get that pygmy goat we’ve had our eyes on.

  9. James D. Irwin says:

    The Crawley Bum-Licks appeals, largely because I used to live near a town called Crawley…

    Almost daily our house pause a conversation to say ‘that should be a band name.’ Yesterday it was ‘Alcoholic Breakfast.’

    I was briefly in a band called Jane Austen’s Skull. Jane Austen is buried in the cathedral here, and we had a long conversation about how we might be able to dig her up and what we’d do with the skull afterwards…

    (Although if we ever made it big we were going to claim it came from a Mark Twain quote…)

    • SAA says:

      I stole that from the Young Ones. I don’t want to seem crass, but you should totally dig up Jane Austen’s skull and build a band around it, that’s like the best idea ever. You can be the first literary death metal band. Also, that reminds me of The Misfits trying to dig up the corpse of Marie Laveau and getting caught:

      “In September 1982 the Misfits embarked on a national tour, with the Necros as their opening act. They were arrested in New Orleans on charges of grave robbing while attempting to locate the grave of voodoo practitioner Marie Laveau, but bailed themselves out of jail and skipped their court date in order to drive to their next performance in Florida.”

      • James D. Irwin says:

        I wasn’t sure if the reference to Crawley was some US town of the same name or a result of an unfortunate tourist experience… The Young Ones have a bit where they make fun of my hometown— Swindon— as well. In fairness Swindon is a bit shit.

        The problem with Jane Austen is she’s in a proper tomb thing so it’d be hard to exhume the old girl… and as the Misits discovered, grave robbing is generally frowned upon…

  10. Art Edwards says:

    Wonderful list. My ears hurt just reading The Gargantuan Cunts.

    My instinct is to shorten “The Bitch Tits” down to “Bitch Tits.” Is that okay? If it is, it’s my favorite.

  11. Gloria says:

    Cynthia took mine. If her band doesn’t come together, can I claim sloppy seconds?

    Also, I would like to have a band called John Candy is Dead. I came up with that based on a poem I once wrote. I think it’d make a killer punk band. Or Polka. Maybe it would make a superior Polka band.

  12. SAA says:

    So no one wants Tabitha’s dick? She is going to cry herself to sleep tonight.

  13. Irene Zion says:


    My personal favorite is “Flounder Pound, ” so Nathaniel and I agree. I usually agree with Nathaniel.
    I also like “Hipsters on Fire” because it conjures up such a great picture.
    (Cynthia’s “Rusted Manger” is pretty good, too. Cynthia has some really good ideas.)

    • SAA says:

      Those were some of my favorites as well. My boyfriend recently informed me that Sepsis and Deiphagy are already taken. I’m looking into a lawsuit. Thanks!

  14. Irene Zion says:

    Well, SAA, this is embarrassing.
    I don’t know what deiphagy is. I looked it up in two dictionaries. Wait. Sepsis is medical. I’ll try a medial dictionary next.
    Nope. Trying Google.
    Ah! Cannibalism!
    Thanks for teaching me a new, if creepy, word, Stacie.

  15. pixy says:

    i see “Harumph!” and instantly say “i didn’t get a Harumph! out of that guy!” the first album would have to be called “give the governor a Harumph!”

    this is hilarious. and my fictional band names aren’t nearly as funny. i also like anything with the word “cunt(s)” in it, so the gargantuan cunts gets my vote.

    • SAA says:

      If you like c*nts, you’ll love this joke:

      A woman goes to her doctor complaining that the opening of her ‘love cave’ is entirely too big. The doctor, being a decent fellow, assures her that every love cave is different and perhaps she should get better acquainted with her genitals in order to be more comfortable with the way they look.

      So the woman goes home and places a full length mirror on the floor and stands over it, seeing her snatch for the first time. Her husband comes into the room and asks what she’s doing. She explains she is getting better acquainted with her vagina. He says, “Just be careful you don’t fall into that giant hole in the floor.”

  16. milo martin says:

    hullo SAA
    i actually played in an industrial percussion band back in San Francisco in the 80s called
    ONE INCREDIBLY LARGE BREAST…a bit of a comment related to Bitch Tits, which is pretty bitchen…

    also another band that never went anywhere featuring some x-Brian Jonestown Massacre and Red House Painters members, TIMMY & THE PINE BOX…

    ROCK ON…

    • SAA says:

      That’s one mighty tit. I’ve heard of the Brian Jonestown Massacre, but I can’t think of where. Thanks for your comment.

      • Cub Lea says:

        (I realize it’s been a while but I couldn’t resist a re-visit to see what new additions might have been posted…I truly do love this game!)

        BJM was a next-big-thing-of-the-month some years back, apparently of the same cohort as The Dandy Warhols (one of their best-known tracks is actually a jab at BJM’s leader.) There’s a rather brilliant little documentary circulating about BJM’s rise to obscurity (some of it offering the DW’s as a parallel plot track) called “Dig!” that shows up about once a year here in Canada on IFC when it’s rockumentary season…I consider it required viewing for all parents with rock-band-age children.

        Brief addendum because it matters to *me* (I love knowing where these names came from): “Death Cab for Cutie” was a novelty hit by Monty Python colleagues Bonzo Dog Band. It occurs to me that the Bonzo’s could obsolete the game single-handedly with their lyrics and song titles…try these sample song titles on for size as band names: “My Pink Half of the Drainpipe”, “Can Blue Men Sing the Whites”, “Tubas in the Moonlight”, “Labio-Dental Fricative”, “Noises for the Leg”, “We Were Wrong”, “Ready Mades”, “Trouser Freak”, “Music for the Head Ballet”, “11 Mustachioed Daughters”

        (…and NOT ONE of them can manage three good songs on the same CD!)

        Thanks again, Stacie.

  17. I love playing games like this on Twitter, like “Unnecessary movie sequels” (eg. Ei8ht). “Bad tribute bands” was a good ‘un; my favourite was …And You Shall Know Us By The Sound Of…And You Shall Know Us By The Trail Of Dead…Covers.

    • WILL. You WILL know us. OOPS.

      • SAA says:

        That’s OK, it looked right the first time. Half the time I think band names are putting me on anyway. Also, I should apologize on behalf of Pittsburgh for unleashing Girl Talk on the rest of the world. World, I’m sorry, here’s a Wiz Khalifa to make up for it.

  18. Tipo Robín says:

    The Gargantuan Cunts is impressive. It manages to make one of the most socially taboo/offensive even bigger.

  19. Tyler Bebeau says:

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  20. sheree says:

    Phlegm Spigots. Always thought that would be a good punk band name. Or a blues band with a black female singer and white band members called Polly and The Crackers. Heh.

  21. pixy says:


    the yeasty digits. an all-girl metal band.

    that’s all.


  22. John says:

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