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The Germans amuse me.  The Berlin Zoo, for the second time in as many years, witnessed a living, breathing, supposedly intelligent human being circumvent the security surrounding the polar bear enclosure.  To call this Darwinism is not only obvious, but an understatement.  This is stupidity on a brave new level.

Not to mention, it makes Hitler’s whole “the Germans are the Master Race” argument look more than a little off.

But back to the jumper.  For starters, if you haven’t seen the story, this woman didn’t simply fall over a ledge.  To even get to the ledge she had to first climb over another fence and through a brier patch full of thorny bushes.  Only then could she jump into the moat full of polar bears.  I wish I could say that this was a case of writer’s embellishment on my part, but there are pictures.

And she’s the second one.  The guy last year justified his jaunt into A POLAR BEAR ENCLOSURE, by saying that one of the bears “looked lonely”.  That transcends any dictionary definition of stupid.  Both of these people, that guy and the fat lady from this week, must have been possessed.  That’s what I have to believe if I am going to retain any hope or faith in humanity as a whole.  I have to assume that they were manipulated by some God or devil or puppet master type person like David H. Lawrence’s character in Heroes.  It could only be for the amusement of some higher being like in Jason and the Argonauts.

NOBODY does that on purpose.

Do they?

I admire the people that tossed life rings down to this tubby pile of bear food.  They are better people than I am.  I couldn’t have done it.  I can’t throw anything straight while I’m laughing, and I definitely would have been laughing.  She jumped into a bear cage.  It’s not the 100 Acre Woods.  They don’t live in trees and chase balloons and eat honey with their pig friends and that little gay kid.  They are real life bears.  They eat people.  Raaaarrrrrr!  Her, and the Grizzly Man, and that lady on the Russian talk show they keep replaying on Real TV…

Diving into a pool full of wild animals will come back to bite you in the ass every time.  Pun intended.

The Berlin Zoo said that it has no intention of making changes to the existing security measures at the display, and they shouldn’t.  If you’re going to lock up animals in the first place, your only job is to make sure that the animals can’t get out.  People getting in should never be an issue.  If it is, they’re only doing us a favor.  Why doesn’t this happen more often in the United States?  With the government picking up the tab for just about everything lately, we could do with a little population control.  112th trimester abortions for those not smart enough to run with the rest of the herd…

If I sound negative, it’s because I truly cannot get over the fact that these people willing attempt to swim with polar bears during feeding time.  The funniest part of it all was that the Berlin police issued the woman a citation for trespassing.  That should stop her the next time she thinks about jumping in a cage with live bears.  As if the fang shaped holes in her ass cheek won’t be deterrent enough, they wrote her a ticket…  Hey lady.  Quit your bleeding and sign here on the line.

Her punishment is the fact that she has to walk through this world with an IQ lower than some hockey scores.  Let her walk away, and say a silent prayer that the bear managed to bite through her ovaries.  The rest of us don’t need her stupid little babies running around our planet.

I know this… I will never not pull for the bear when these kinds of things happen.

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SLADE HAM is a stand up comedian. He has performed in 52 countries on six continents, a journey that can be followed in his book, Until All the Dragons Are Dead. One day he hopes to host a travel show and continue to trick the world into paying him to do the things he loves to do. Slade is also an Editor for The Nervous Breakdown's Arts and Culture section. He keeps a very expensive storage unit in Houston, TX.

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