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20 Cars and What They Say About You – in LA and in the Rest of the Country
By Stefan KiesbyeOctober 12, 2010
Last time I did this very, very irregular car column, I griped about drivers. This time, I’m going to reveal what your car says about you — that is, if you own one of the 20 cars listed here. But since LA is not like the rest of the country when it comes to cars (after all, this is the place where only three colors exist (white, black, gray)), I commented twice. If you can’t find just car checks on the list, feel free to add your own car to the list. And hey, these evaluations are meant for new-car buyers (all but the last one).
Buick (any model)
Rest Of Country: You’re old. Seriously old.
Los Angeles: You’re dead.
Toyota Camry
ROC: You wanted a Buick without the panel gaps, chintzy interior, and cheap plastics.
LA: You don’t know what a Buick is, but wanted something that says “old” without huge panel gaps, chintzy interiors, and cheap plastics.
BMW 3-series
ROC:“Rich motherfucker.”
LA: “That’s all you could afford?”
Mercedes C-series (Baby Benz)
ROC: “Rich, old motherfucker.”
LA: You really wanted a Toyota Camry, but it was too cheap.
Mini Cooper
ROC: You’re trying hard to be cute.
LA: You couldn’t afford a real Bimmer.
Toyota Corolla
ROC:You drink Kroger Cola and hate cars.
LA: You drink Ralph’s Cola and don’t know where the Hell Long Beach is.
Scion tC
ROC: You want to look sporty without paying for sporty
LA: You hope that your coffee-can exhaust will make people believe you had the money not to buy a Toyota.
Acura TSX
ROC: You think you didn’t get a Euro-spec Honda Accord.
LA: You think you’re Mark Zuckerberg.
Porsche Boxster
ROC: You’re rich and bald/have big blonde hair, and you’re recently divorced.
LA: You’re not rich, but bald and just out of rehab after your 5th marriage to a TV exec went to pieces.
Porsche 911
ROC: You know good cars.
LA: You want tourists from Michigan to believe you know good cars.
Porsche Panamera
ROC: No taste.
LA: “They said it was a Porsche. It starts at $74, 410.”
Infiniti (all models)
ROC: Life is good.
LA: You don’t know there’s a world outside your Nav screen, which you’ve manipulated so you can play Medal of Honor while going down Wilshire Boulevard.
Range Rover
ROC: You live on a dirt road.
LA: You have two of these.
Spyker
ROC: Maybe you also have a unicorn tattoo on your back.
LA: J. Lo ditched Marc Anthony and bought you a car.
Lamborghini (any model)
ROC: “What’s that in the ditch?”
LA: “Next time get a Bristol Fighter.”
Cadillac Escalade
ROC: Family with one child living on a dirt road.
LA: L.A. Laker.
Chevrolet Camaro
ROC: You drove the original. When you were 25. You do the math.
LA: You think you might have seen one. Once.
Hyundai Sonata
ROC: You think it looks like a Mercedes CLS four-door coupe.
LA: Your kid can’t be trusted with the Mercedes CLS.
Chrysler (any model)
ROC: “?”
LA: “???”
Ford Escort
ROC: “Loser.”
LA: “Cool. What kind of car is that? Never seen one before.”
When I was in LA, I was fascinated by the cars, how shiny they all were…and I only saw one Subaru the entire time I was there (it had Oregon plates). In upstate NY, we all drive Subarus because we need AWD.
I also love that you spell Hyundai wrong.
This is great, Stefan.
You love my typo? I can produce more. I swear. Yeah, the absence of Subies is very loud here. In Michigan every teacher drove one. Here? Nada. Except for a few WRX with ginormous coffee-can exhausts.
Here’s a shot of the coolest car I saw during my LA trip:
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=2847497&l=7ce72022a8&id=568883840
“I spy a yellow car.”
Rodeo Drive, natch.
I always wonder how the driver would feel if a Hyundai Accent would scratch it…
One of everybody’s favorite TNB people has an Infiniti (or perhaps, following your Hunday lead, it should be “Infinity?).
I especially like the Camaro bit, as in “You drove the original.” Probably that applies to Mustangs, too.
But for the Range Rover, you forgot to add “and neither is working right now.”
No hate for Volvo here? As in ROC = Yes, very safe you know, and LA = “You know it’s just a Ford, right?”
Yes, Don, Mustangs are the same, and dang, how could I forget to add the RR addition? Your spelling of Hyundai is even worse than mine, though!!
The Volvo thing is mostly true too. There are a few, but they’re so not desirable. Again, in Michigan, Volvo meant luxury. Here, it means you can’t afford two range Rovers.
There is simply no excuse for spelling “Hyundai” correctly. Except when pointing out that there is no excuse for spelling it correctly.
Thank you, Erika, and you’re right. As always.
The Camaro line was my favorite too. I know these people. They still have mullets.
And mullet wigs…
Hanging from rear view mirrors?
Or perhaps you’re talking about the famous “blind mullet.”
Blind mullet???
No, what I meant was that many of the drivers of the original Camaro have to use wigs by now, if they want to sport a mullet.
I knew what you meant.
“Blind mullet” is Hawaiian (and perhaps other) slang for things floating in the water that you’d rather not see floating in the water.
Just as you’d rather not see that mullet through the Camaro’s rear window.
Long live the G35!
At least until I can afford a 335i.
Good to hear from you, Richard. Wish you had a Bristol Blenheim, though!
Really enjoyed this, Stefan. You romped Los Angeleans pretty rigorously.
I suppose I should find out what kind of car I drive. Nah. Too much trouble.
are you afraid of what you’ll find?
HA! Since I ditched Marc Antony, the original, I have gone back to the perfumed barge.
Cleo
I admire your gravatar!!!
Thanks, Stefan, I rather like it, too. It’s an illustration I did for a friend’s poem about his cat, Vile Boris. But now that most TNB writers seem to be gravataring photos of themselves, I abandoned pore VB for a photo of me. Reason you see VB here is that I was using someone else’s computer for the comment to you. Now you’ll see me.
Still can’t remember what kind of car I have. And it’s in the USA, but I’m in England.
You do illustrations? That one rocks. Where can I get Vile Boris? Is it out?
I don’t know if I have the VB illustration on this computer, Stefan. Will check for you.
So are you an illustration freak, too? Do you illustrate?
I love Luca Dipierro’s animations for Rich Ferguson’s “We Voice Sing” (see TNB main page, bottom, You Tube vid).
Zach Hazard Vaupen is totally awesome as well. You can see his works here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/zachhazardvaupen
Thanks, Judy. I don’t illustrate, but am always hoping to work with more illustrators, on short stories and short shorts etc. Thank you for the links.
No pick-up trucks in L.A.?
This is significant, I suspect, but I’m not sure exactly how.
Hmm…one question: I’ve given up driving entirely, and walk, bicycle, or take the public transport everywhere I go. What does Los Angeles have to say about my total lack of car ownership?
In the immortal words of Billy Gibbons and the rest of ZZ-Top…
…”Have Mercy!”…
LA says, “Future Roadkill.” Actually, not owning a car can be relaxing here, but it makes you a complete non-entity.
I’ve got a friend living down on Venice Beach, who until very recently was stranded in Redondo without a car. He said it was WAY worse than being stranded here in the woods of NH.
“…my OTHER car is a Bucyrus-Erie Dynahoe 140…”
For real? I’d like to take that beast for a spin around the freeways here. Har!
for real!
two yard bucket on the front, 20 ft reach arm on the back with a 24″ bucket. With the hydrostatic drive and the Detroit Diesel 350, I can scream along the fast lane in fourth gear well above 18 miles per hour.
It’s not nearly as good in snow as you might imagine, but it has the advantage that it can simply pick itself up out of the snowbank it slides into.
Best thing is that all the glass is intact and It’s got a smokin’ heater.
It’s a babe magnet too.
I’m so jealous right now. Oh, it hurts.
I have a friend in Hilo whose bumper sticker reads “My other car is a pair or boots.”
I’d love to have one that reads, “My other car is a Bristol Fighter, too.”
I suggested to a guy in a motorized wheelchair one day the he should get a bumper sticker on the back that said “My other car is crutches”.
That’s hardcore. How did he react? Did he offer to buy you a beer or did he try to run you over?
I don’t know actually… I took the stairs.
Well, there’s tons of pick-ups, but they say what they say everywhere: airhauler.
They don’t say that everywhere! Especially not here, where there’s lots of water and lots of boats.
And near-arctic winters.
Here, they’re just sensible.
I lived in Michigan, where there’s lots of lakes. Okay, the winters aren’t quite as arctic as in St. Paul, but I’d say 75 percent of people in pick-ups were air haulers 95 percent of the time.
Here’s the problem, though: I drive an F-150. We bought the F-150 so we could pull our boat and tote camping supplies (and so I’d have 4WD in the winter). We couldn’t afford to buy a whole other car for when we weren’t pulling the boat or toting camping supplies. So. Predicament.
It’s an air hauler 95% of the time. But the 5% is key. I suppose people might see me, little blonde girl bouncing along in the summer and sneer and go, “air hauler.” And they’d be right. And also pretty wrong.
I can see that ninja star glittering in your hand, so I’ll be careful what I say here. You say “we couldn’t afford to buy a whole other car.” But you do have a boat. So it’s not like the F-150 was a hand-me-down you couldn’t refuse. If you haul air 95 percent of the time, why are you so irked that people might think your an air hauler? It’s the definition of air hauler.
Indeed both the boat and the truck were salvaged. We’re resourceful, not rich. We’re talking two vehicles other people were essentially giving away because we had the patience, expertise and ambition to make them run. We couldn’t afford to buy a whole other car. We couldn’t really afford to buy any other car. I mean, maybe if someone else had a busted car of some other type, but then that couldn’t pull the boat.
We got both for less than the average price of either.
The boat’s a ’78 and the upholstery is the kind of orange generally reserved for shag carpeting.
Anyway.
It’s the sneer in airhauler that I object to, not the word itself. Almost no one needs a truck every minute of every day or even most days, even people who need them. I mean, if I want not to be sneered at by every twit in a compact looking for some reason to hate me as a human being because they hate my driving, I have to either get rid of the boat and get a little car or quit my office job and become a carpenter to justify driving a truck to the sneerers. Neither is particularly appealing.
I should also probably include the fact that my truck gets molested on a near-monthly basis in the garage at the Uni. where I work, so I am bitter, as I blame sneerers. Potentially hippies.
“It’s the sneer in airhauler that I object to, not the word itself. Almost no one needs a truck every minute of every day or even most days, even people who need them. I mean, if I want not to be sneered at by every twit in a compact looking for some reason to hate me as a human being because they hate my driving.” Seems there’s a lot of sneering going on in St. Paul, on both sides of the spectrum.
And isn’t blaming hippies against the laws of the universe?
Not if they’re molesting my truck! I love that truck.
And I say “every twit in a compact” at least partially tongue-in-cheek.
The ones I actually have a problem with are the low-end/older BMWs fishtailing it down I-94 in the middle of January. Don’t they know where they live? Them and their “I’d rather endanger my life and the lives everyone around me than buy a truck and look like a person who aspires to anything less than faux-intellectual quasi-hipster bourgeoisie.”
And don’t get me started on the guy doing 50 mph in the fast lane in a vintage (read: all busted-ass-looking) Porsche.
How are you gonna buy a Porsche and go 50 mph in the fast lane? At least as bad as hauling air.
“How are you gonna buy a Porsche and go 50 mph in the fast lane? ” Ah, common ground there!!! (and I’ll be checking my rear-view mirror for F-150 with Minnesota plates 🙂 ).
Really any rear wheel drive vehicle in winter in MN. It makes no sense.
Whoops. Cross-post.
Yeah. I’ve gotten stuck behind the same guy twice in rush hour. Declared him my nemesis. Tiny car failing to do the only thing tiny cars are good for besides making U turns and parking.
How many small cars per mile does your truck eat? Has anybody ever looked into the many highway disappearances in and around St. Paul? Porsche drivers! I’m talking about you!
Now, now, Becky. I think what you’ve been observing is more likely driving skill-related than car-related. My ancient BMW (the ’67) was RWD and did well in the Buffalo snow. The new one (I know you excluded new ones) is dynamite, but it’s AWD.
What I’ve learned about RWD vehicles and snow is that it isn’t so much RWD as it is the actual suspension — meaning, RWD with live axle on leaf springs on a car doesn’t do well in the snow. That combo on a truck, much better. RWD with a modern suspension, like independent rear (as all Bimmers have had since the mid-sixties) does pretty well.
It’s all about putting the power on the ground effectively, in my experience.
And as for hauling air, when I was in L.A. in 2008, most of the pickups that I saw were actually hauling something. I was surprised, and took note of it, because around here the air haulers rule.
To get my own air hauling credentials in order, I’ll confess that in 1962 I had a late-forties blue Chevy 3/4 ton pickup, Utah plates. I drove it for about a year before swapping it for a ’55 Ford convertible, which in the end I sold for $100. Either one of those would probably be worth a good buck now.
What is an ‘airhauler’?
Somebody with an empty bed. Somebody who wants the truck for image/looks/convenience, but actually doesn’t have anything to fill the bed with. So instead they’re hauling air.
Becky, I know you will be horrified to learn that I also own an F-150. From 1994. Flare side. We haul stuff in it too.
How many cars and utility vehicles do you own?
I am SO embarrassed to talk about all the minivans I’ve been through in the past two years.
What it is with me, is that I acquire cars that others have lost faith in, that I believe still have a little bit of “I think I can” still in them.
Way I figure it, if I buy a clunker for a few hundred bucks, and it lasts 6 months before catastrophic liver failure, I’m still ahead.
Here’s my list for the last 5 years:
15 passenger Ford F350 van;
Toyota Camry;
Honda Civic;
15 passenger Dodge Grand Caravan (hit by lightning, then crunched by an oak tree. God took retribution);
Mazda MPV minivan;
Ford Windstar minivan;
Pontiac transsport minivan;
BMW 328es;
Saab 900 convertible;
Hyundai Elantra;
Ford F150 pickup;
Dynahoe backhoe;
As I look over this list, I despair for my coolness. Wait…what coolness?
I’ve left off the horse trailer and the camper.
I want a cool car. I want a car that says “this guy is trying to start a dick-measuring contest and is entering this car, and he expects to win.”
I’m considering an MGB.
There’s three of them turning into oxide in a lot nearby, There’s probably a whole car between the three of them.
The coolest car I ever owned was a volkswagen squareback. Half the car universe wishes it was that car. You could haul an entire band. An entire rock band. Plus a refrigerator. and it wasn’t ghey like the carmen ghia.
Dick-measuring contest. Good times. TVR Tuscan?
brilliant.
My car didn’t make the list (HA!) but what do you think a ’97 Taurus says about a person?
(In full disclosure I should note that I’m currently looking for a new ride.)
’97 Taurus? Says, “I’m currently looking for a new ride.”
In LA it says you probably have three dead parrots and old In’n Out wrappers in your car.
Well played sir!
Since I got the car for free when it was just two years old and 30k on the odometer I couldn’t turn it down, but dang is it ugly. Reliable, but super ugly.
Yes, those were the Taurus’ bug-eyed years. On the upside, if you keep it another 20 years, people will like it again. It has this all-out goofery that becomes endearing later in life.
You know, Stefan -you are the only person who makes the subject of cars enjoyable for me! Thank you!
I love your descriptions. Even though I don’t live in the U.S, I can see how you have just nailed it perfectly.
I’m always iffy about those people who come right out and tell you what they drive when you first meet them. I met someone recently who at our first meeting told me very proudly and loudly that he owned a Merc. I think it was meant to impress me. But having been an owner of a Merc myself and having hated the gas-guzzling piece of shit, it put me right off him.
My best and favourite car of all time was a Peugeot 504. I just fell in love with it. The only time you ever see them now is in news footage where they can be spotted on the roadside in flames. The Peugeot – The car of choice for war zones.
Lovely to hear from you, Zara, and yes, any 504 beats any Merc any day. What a jerk to tell you he drove a stupid Benz. But hey, he would fit right in here 🙂
The starnge thing about LA is that I’m kinda down with it. Yeah it’s loud and Uggz-y and full of people who can afford Ferraris without being able to find the gas pedal, but it’s a show. It’s artificial, but in it’s up-frontness less cloying than the normal keeping-up-with-the-Joneses.
Can the U.S. import you?
I don’t know what it is about the 504 – but it inspires love in so many of its owners. I had a friend who had one during his university days. It had no reverse gear, so parking was a bastard, but he kept on driving that car until it fell apart.
Even now, twenty or so years later he still goes into raptures about the brilliance of the 504.
People are funny.
I don’t know about importing me – I don’t know if they’d deem me road worthy!
But next time I’m visiting I think we should do some car-spotting, okay?
Absolutely. A case of wine and two seat near the 405, with a smog-bloated sunset hanging over the ocean.
“Can the U.S. import you?”
No.
The lovely Z has emissions issues.
sounds like a fart joke 🙂
No, tobacco.
Hey!!! That sounds gross, Don!
I have no emission issues, nor rust, nor too many miles on the clock.
I am a luxury model for sure.
That’s true. A veritable Bugatti Veyron, that Z of ours.
Of course, the Z was a pretty good machine, too.
Well, Z — in my day, “Merc” meant “Mercury.” I’ve had to learn a new slang.
Are we supposed to be cool and say “Benz?”
Stefan knows.
Thanks for adding that, Don. The first time somebody used Merc (that I remember) he meant indeed a Mercury. Which is now going the way of Pontiac and Oldsmobile and Saturn. In Germany, we say Benz, but it’s pronounced “Bents” so it has a better ring. Anyway, since Mercury is going to heaven, Merc for Benz is great.
You guys don’t say Merc? Huh. That’s all they’re known as here – Mercs.
And of course the lovely Peugeots are known as Purrrges.
Purrrges. I love that. And no, people do say Merc. It’s just not always clear what exactly they’re referring to.
Stefan,
I feel very lucky that my car is not on your list.
I got mine because it was big enough for carting around my two big dogs and drove pretty fast cause I like to drive fast and there was a good deal on it at the time.
It’s a Nissan Murano.
What does that say about me?
Irene,
it says that you really, really like to drive fast. Of the cars that pass me (while I’m speeding) on the left, 60 percent are Nissans/Infinitis. You get prodigious power for a moderate amount of cash in a Nissan.
It also says that if I were to live in Miami and got rid of my car, I would hide whenever I’d see a white Murano approaching.
Stefan,
If my dogs were in the car, you would not have to hide, because I have to make sure they are safe.
When I am alone in my car, well, let’s just say that you had better steer clear of that white Murano.
It would just be better that way.
Trust me.
I always knew you were a dangerous woman. Murano-armed!
What does a Citroen say about you?
If you own a DS or, even better, an SM, you’re so eternally cool. ETERNALLY COOL. Latter had a Maserati engine and just looked so weirdly sexy, it was crazy. If you have an old 2CV you’re cool, but climb any hill higher than a pitcher’s mound. If you have an even older Traction Avant, the first Front wheel drive, you’re gangster cool. Everything else, hm, hum, ahem. Thing is though, if you have any Cit here in the US, it’s better than having a Mercedes SL.
@dwoz,
As our first car, we looked at a Citroen.
I really wanted it.
You know why?
Because when it hurt it’s foot, it would lift all three of its other feet so you could fix the injured foot.
It could be that I anthropomorphize too much.
Yup,
could be….
It did have that aero-pneumatic suspension, which is basically the way you anthropomorphize it.
Get a Citroen Xsara.
Awesome name 🙂
Stefan,
You can hear the siren call
of the aero-pneumatic suspension,
can’t you?
Yes, but I’m tied to the mast.
Wise.
You kill me, Stefan. This is hilarious.
Did you ever see that “View from Your Phone” pic I posted for you?
I did, Richard, and it was great! But G35!?! Geez. I remember there was a Honda CRV involved too, right?
I definitely think you should buy a Citroen SM. You should buy one for me too. I’d appreciate that. Not many left.
What do you make of a Prius, Stefan?
(LA: You’re Leonardo DiCaprio.)
Hi Marni, so good to see you. Let’s see. Prius everwhere else: You’re trying hard to be cute and make a difference at the same time. Your buying Japanese, not American, and the Midwestern neighborhood hates you for it. But thinks you’re cute.
Prius LA: You think you can pull a Leonardo (unless you are Leonardo) but you’re caught going 105 mph in the car pool lane, and you really don’t look like Leonardo, and the old “my brakes didn’t work” doesn’t work anymore, partly because you’re just not Leonardo, and you don’t care about trees and whales and dolphins, but just want to use the car pool lane, because you don’t have a girlfriend, and the rubber doll you were using in the passenger seat has a tear and will deflate before you even make it to the freeway.
I love this, Stefan. It’s like you’re a palm reader of cars. Yes, I realize that makes no sense. Everyone wants you to analyze them, though. So analyze me, too? Jeeps. All I drive are Jeeps. I’ve had 5 in a row. And yes, I live on a dirt road. I wouldn’t even know what to do with a sports vehicle sans the word “utility”. So what does this mean, Stefan? How many children will I have? When will I die? Will I find fulfillment in my slice of blueberry pie?
You will always find fulfillment in blueberry pie, unless you’re allergic to blueberries, in which case, you get a bit too fulfilled and are express-mailed to Heaven.
I do like the palm-reader analogy. If things go south with all the other crap I’m doing, I’d like to give it a shot. I’d like a turban, and a beard, and maybe purple or orange contacts.
Jeeps. Wow, that difficult, because there are so many. If you bought a Liberty, well, then, you just got duped. They look okay, but are not okay. And since Jeep is only a glorified Chrysler, you really, really, got duped.
The Wrangler. Was obsolete in the 40s, and that’s not my opinion but the Car Talk guys opinion, and I agree. Wranglers are only good if you have a 22-inch biceps and are riding 100-foot waves. It’s still a crappy car, but YOU make it look cool.
Grand Cherokee. All the old ones are falling apart. What a new one says about you: You gave it a try, sucker!
In LA, Jeeps are only cool pre-1950. If you drive one, you must live in the Valley. In Encino. And you just got rid of your Toyota Camry.
But you, Erika, transcend my pettiness. Your Jeeps will last and bring you many thousands of miles of joy. I’m driving a Ford Escort. I know.
Jeep Cherokees. All but one. Now what?
Stupid me, I forgot my line about those. THOSE are actually really cool. They don’t make them anymore (which is already way cooler). No, seriously, those might have not been terribly reliable either (not sure on that), but their boxiness is classy. They are the prototypical box on wheels, like a high station wagon. Treat them well, they’re not gonna come back. With those (at least if you have a massaged exhaust) you can even show up on Rodeo Drive.
Score! Swami Stefan approves! Woooohoooo! I shall celebrate with pie. Now, Cherokees are actually really reliable, though. I’m on 137,000 miles on mine, Mr. Ford Escort. ( :
Ha! Get him Erika. My husband drives a Chrysler and it has 215,000 miles AND it gets 32 mpg. Stefan doesn’t know everything. But he is pretty funny… for an Escort driver.
Hahahaha – wow, that’s a lot of miles. Impressive. And yes, Stefan is hilarious!
And if it’s a 1967 Corvette Stingray?
http://www.arleesclassicautos.com/cars/1967corvette/large/1967corvette2.jpg
Or a ’76 Chevrolet Impala?
http://tiny.cc/3qwny
I mean, I don’t actually own these cars.
I just totally want to.
The Corvette says you or your dad are multi-millionaires or had one stored when your dad was 25. The Impala says you probably belong to a Long Beach street gang. In the rest of the country, you probably worked for GM, adored their cars, until they moved operations overseas.
Hella cool piece, Stetfan. Quite insightful. As for my own car, woof, I don’t even want to tell you where I fall on your list. Let’s just say that, according to you, on one hand I wanted a Buick without the panel gaps, chintzy interior, and cheap plastics, but on the other hand I wanted something that says “old” without huge panel gaps, chintzy interiors, and cheap plastics.
Peace.
I know you were a Buick man, Rich, deep down in your darkest of hearts. But you also needed reliability!
Swami Stefan, I think I should business cards…might be lucrative. Car Image Healer. Might become a real job in LA.
Glad to hear your Cherokees are still going. There won’t be any new ones. There won’t be any new Escort station wagons either. And you’re only ahead of me by a meager 3,000 miles. Which I could put on to take you out for pie!
I’m always up for pie – no matter the car required to get there!
This was great, I’ve been pondering
TNB posts that would be shorter
& quicker to read –
I really think this is the way to
go in this sort of format.
People want something
light and fun,
a fast read but plenty
enough for comment fun.
I’ve been sort of stumped but
you came up with a grand idea.
Thanks for reading. Does this mean though, that you didn’t read my long, depressive posts?