What just happened?
I just stopped at a petrol station to feed the hungry diesel belly of Hyman Roth (that’s the name of my Sprinter touring vehicle). At these prices I could have opened up my own franchise of an Olive Garden and fed half of suburbia. I’m actually contractually obligated to mention The Olive Garden at least three times during this interview as they have promised to feed my band for free and provide us with clean underwear and 9 volt batteries and all the napkins and creamy garlic dressing we can handle. Really. (Not really. But that would be cool. No it wouldn’t). Sorry — just having a conversation with myself. Are you still here?
What is your earliest memory?
Shooting out of my Dad’s penis in the backseat of a car into a very warm and safe egg and then nine months later being thrust into this cold cruel world in Halifax, Nova Scotia. The one in Canada. Then I was pretty much drunk and stoned up to the age of four.
If you weren’t a musician what other profession would you choose?
I’d probably be a famous actor. I was in a play in high school and my Mom and Dad both still tell me how great I was. I played a burning bush that Jesus talks to. (I went to a very religious school) I was a student of method acting and I ended up in the emergency room with severe burns on my chest and neck. I still have to apply a special lotion twice daily.
Describe your typical work day.
Wake up and tell the person next to me that I need them to leave immediately, if not sooner. If it’s a guy I usually then go into the bathroom and throw up just a little. If it’s a woman I feel a little better but still wonder if it really was a woman. Then I try to wash the germy sins off of my body with bleach and and Borax. After that ordeal I usually write a song about how much I hate myself. Next I get on Google maps and locate an Olive Garden and eat tons of gluteny carbs until I feel a little better. Afterwards I usually drive for several hours and play a show to 12 disinterested people. Then I call my parents and tell them the show was sold out and that I sold 80 cds. Finally I ask God to forgive me for lying and the guilt cycle starts all over. It’s like a dysfunctional Catholic version of Groundhog Day.
Is there a time you wish you’d lied?
Is there anytime I haven’t lied? I’m a compulsive liar. I could just go to 7-Eleven for some milk but if you asked me where I went I’d say AM/PM for a hotdog. Then I’d go into detail about how the hot dog was very old and made me feel sick. After a while even I’ll believe the lie.
What would you say to yourself if you could go back in time and have a conversation with yourself at age 13?
I’d say, “Stick with this paper route because this is the best job you’ll ever have. And don’t forget to collect from The Wilsons early in March because they’re both shady alcoholics and they’re about to go to jail for tax fraud. You don’t want to be 51 years old one day have the regret of them stiffing you for 5 dollars and fifty cents.”
If you could have only one album to get you through a breakup, what would it be?
Satan Is Real, by The Louvin Brothers
What Are 3 websites –other than your email- that you check daily?
From what or whom do you derive your greatest inspiration?
Deadlines, man. I need deadlines. Otherwise I’ll just sit frozen on my couch staring at nothing and not being able to move. I would never even go outside. In fact, I hate nature. But if I have to make a deadline then all of a sudden I get all inspirationy and creativey and tree huggy.
Name three books that have impacted your life.
If you could relive one moment over and over again, what would it be?
Going to breakfast at Sambo’s after my first communion at St. Rita’s Catholic Church and eating French toast for the first time ever with powdered sugar and blueberry syrup and looking at all the racist paintings on the wall that all seemed so innocent back in the early ’60s. I felt so safe. I had Jesus in my belly and lots of starch and sugar.
How are you six degrees from Kevin Bacon?
One time I had sex with a “person” in the bathroom of a club after a show I played and the next night The Bacon Brothers sang at the same venue and Kevin brushed his teeth in the same bathroom and left his toothbrush. I went back to get it 2 days later and it still had his dried spit in it. I steamed it over a Petri dish using techniques I’d learned from the Hardy Boys and planted his DNA at a crime scene in Indiana.
What makes you feel most guilty?
Everything. Everything is my fault. I’m Catholic, most of my journeys are all-inclusive guilt trips.
How do you incorporate the work of other artists into your own?
I take cell samples from them with a razor and plant them in music gardens until song mutations grow like wild nose hairs.
Please explain the motivation/inspiration behind your latest album, Dreamhouse?
Richard Nixon appeared to me late one night in San Clemente and he was wearing a nightie and had full, lactating breasts. I drank milk right from his teat and I instantly sat down and wrote the record. It was truly amazing and I’m crying right now just thinking about it.
What is the best advice you’ve ever given to someone else?
Don’t watch The Golden Girls on TV if Family Guy is on at the same time.
List your favorite in the following categories:
If you had complete creative license and an unlimited budget, what would your next project be?
I’d dig up Elvis and Kurt Cobain and make protein pancakes from their bones and feed them to underprivileged kids at a Lion’s Club breakfast.
What do you want to know?
What’s the deal with corn nuts?
What would you like your last words to be?
“Is there a death app?”
Please explain what will happen.
The curtain will be pulled back and people will realize what a sham it all was. The Olive Garden wasn’t real Italian food after all.