Please explain what just happened.

I am sitting on the tarmac at LAX and was just told that my already two-hour delayed flight to Hawaii was going to be delayed another hour.  Try explaining that to a six-year-old.

What is your earliest memory?

My memories pre-five are spotty, but I can remember my first day of kindergarten. It was like being offered an adventure that I had no interest in participating in.  I recall watching in terror as one boy was forcibly dragged into the classroom by his parents while he was clawing at the walls and screaming at the top of his lungs.  I thought to myself, “What kind of horrible world am I being dropped into?”

Please explain what just happened.

I laughed with my roommate as we staged an ant holocaust. Then he put one on a butter knife and held it over the stove until the ant jumped off onto the range and I stopped laughing. I have a line.

Please explain what just happened.

I was stung by a bee, and I think I’m going into an anaphylactic shock!

What is your earliest memory?

The American flag.

Please explain what just happened.

I sat down to answer some questions I’ve been putting off for too long.

What is your earliest memory?

Not sure. Hard to tell if they’re dreams or memories. I think I remember a big back yard and a Dalmatian who lived next door.

Please explain what just happened.

Four rabbits beat up a rattlesnake on my front lawn.

What is your earliest memory?

I was one year old and looking out the window of our apartment in the Bronx for the first time. I saw an angry, shouting man chasing a garbage truck that was apparently trying to leave him behind. I thought to myself, “Gee it’s tough out there, and kind of dirty, too.”

If you weren’t a film composer, what other profession would you choose?

As a child, I thought I was destined to be a matador. I couldn’t take my mind off of it until I got my first drum set.

Please explain what just happened.

The more I know, the more I realize I have no idea. What happened? Who cares really. Where am I now, and where can I get a good cup of coffee.

What is your earliest memory?

I remember being a monk who made beer in an abbey in France. I’m pretty sure I flogged the shit out of myself for no good reason. And the personal attaché for a power hungry cardinal in the Roman Catholic Church. Or was the earliest memory waking into consciousness as a protozoa in a murky tide pool. I’m sorry, I’m still sleepy. I think my earliest memory—in this life anyway—is holding on to the tall boot of my father as he walked across a snowy driveway, dragging me along, watching the dry snow spray up, feeling the cold flakes melt on my hot cheeks, listening to him whistle some Randy Newman song.

Please explain what just happened.

I just took a breath and blinked at the same time.

What is your earliest memory?

My parents’ benevolent, smiling faces; myself, expressing delight as only an infant can; hearing those sounds gurgling out of me.

Please explain what just happened.

I don’t know, but it’s going to leave a mark.

What is your earliest memory?

Pissing myself in the Safeway wearing a little yellow dress – I think I was two?  They announced it on the intercom.

What just happened?

I just stopped at a petrol station to feed the hungry diesel belly of Hyman Roth (that’s the name of my Sprinter touring vehicle). At these prices I could have opened up my own franchise of an Olive Garden and fed half of suburbia. I’m actually contractually obligated to mention The Olive Garden at least three times during this interview as they have promised to feed my band for free and provide us with clean underwear and 9 volt batteries and all the napkins and creamy garlic dressing we can handle. Really. (Not really. But that would be cool. No it wouldn’t). Sorry — just having a conversation with myself. Are you still here?

What is your earliest memory?

Shooting out of my Dad’s penis in the backseat of a car into a very warm and safe egg and then nine months later being thrust into this cold cruel world in Halifax, Nova Scotia. The one in Canada. Then I was pretty much drunk and stoned up to the age of four.

Please explain what just happened.

Everything? Nothing? It’s hard to say—I’m a planner, probably due to my compulsive nature, so I’m always looking more to the future than the past. But, I did just send out a pitch packet for my (hopefully) forthcoming graphic novel Terminus. I’ve also been playing a lot of Mass Effect 2. A lot.

What is your earliest memory?

Running around outside my house on the South Side of Chicago, wearing Superman sandals.

If you weren’t a writer, what other profession would you choose?

I’m fascinated with how cities work, especially the manner in which space is allocated and utilized. If I had the chance to go back and do it all over again, I’d probably work in city planning.

Please explain what just happened.

I just read a bunch of these other interviews and realized I wasn’t going to be half as funny as Anthony Camera. So instead I have to try the honesty route and hope it works out.

What is your earliest memory?

I have this memory of a room where every wall is a different pastel color. Outside a window there is a pigeon cooing. I recently asked my mom what house this was and she kind of freaked out because we moved out of that house when I was only 6 months old.

Please explain what just happened.

I’m not really sure, nor do I care.  But I think it had something to do with Dennis Lyxzén.

What is your earliest memory?

I remember being a baby of the barely walking variety.  Something about camping and my mother bathing me in a green plastic washbasin on a campground table.

AS ANSWERED BY ALL OF US… We’re one united living breathing organism

Please explain what just happened.

We were just looking at a photo of three girls we know from high school that ended up on some porn site. We’re currently driving through New Mexico.

What is your earliest memory?

WAHHHH WAHHH MILK TEARS SLEEP FOOD WAHHH.

If you weren’t musicians, what other profession would you choose?

I’d be in the NHL, I’d be a teacher, I’d sling beanbags, I’d be the head of Def Jam.

Please explain what just happened.

Electrochemical conditions on a certain planet orbiting a certain star caused certain molecules to organize into more complex systems that were capable of self-sustenance and reproduction. The success of these systems gave rise to new, even more complex systems, and eventually self-contained individuals emerged. The wide variety of local conditions on the planet’s surface promoted a level of cellular specialization, creating groups of individuals with similar characteristics and functional traits. Millions of life species evolved on this small planet, all of them adapting to each other and their surroundings with varying degrees of clumsiness. One of those species developed a form of self-consciousness that caused a disconnection with their surroundings and changed their relationship with other species. They decided to call themselves “humans,” and here we are.

Please explain what just happened.

Just finished listening to “The Mood” on Kid Cudi’s new album.

What is your earliest memory?

For some reason I don’t have a lot of memories earlier than age 6… but I distinctly remember missing the school bus on the first day of kindergarten.  My parents told me specifically, “Only ride home on Bus 88,”  which later ended up breaking down.  All of the passengers were told to simply board a new bus, but I refused to accept the change of plans!

If you weren’t a musician, what other profession would you choose?

An owner of a vending machine company, or maybe I would choose something less glamorous, like crime fighting.