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Why I Never Commented on Your Post (3rd and Inches)

By Nathaniel Missildine

Humor

* enthusiasm gap

* for reasons obvious to everyone but me

* unfortunate third time you feel the need to explain yourself

* just climbed out of 2010 this morning

* deactivated account, still showing up daily

* mad at everyone

Puckered Up

By Justin Benton

Essay

What makes someone an asshole? Everyone knows one, and some of us are one, but it seems a purely subjective matter.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines asshole as “someone or something foolish or contemptible”. One of the more popular entries in the Urban Dictionary describes asshole as “someone being arrogant, rude, obnoxious, or just a total dickhead”. Denis Leary once sang that an asshole is someone who drives slow in the fast lane, enjoys Cuban cigars, and parks in handicapped spaces while “handicapped people make handicapped faces.”

Something Nice

By Greg Olear

The Web

Last week at TNB, Joel Fishman called out the New York Times Book Review.Its methodology of selecting which books to bless (or damn) with a review, he suggested, has become whimsical to the point of irrelevance.

Wayne’s World of Comments

By Greg Olear

The Feed

One of the unfortunate casualties of TNB 3.0 is that old comments, while still readable, will not “count.”

For the sake of posterity, then, here are the ten most-commented pieces in the history of The Nervous Breakdown:

Comments

  1. 416, D.R. Haney, I Was a Child Porn Model
  2. 378, D.R. Haney, 3301 Waverly Drive
  3. 324, D.R. Haney, How I Became Human
  4. 307, N.L. Belardes, The Magical Pig of Akron
  5. 291, Brad Listi, Comment Culture
  6. 262, Irene Zion, 1000 Words: One Night In The Cold Central Illinois Winter
  7. 223, D.R. Haney, Saved by Demon Song
  8. 216, D.R. Haney, What Child Is This?
  9. 213, J.M. Blaine, Blacklight Slip n Slide Suicide Birthday and Housewarming Salutations to The Nervous Breakdown
  10. 195, Brad Listi, Thoughts That Occurred to Me While Simultaneously Surfing the Internet and Watching Television, Vol. II

(Note: it may be that the “Bond Girl” photo essay will crack the Top Ten by 11/15, and rightly so)

What conclusions can we draw from this?  If you want a lot of comments, what you need to do is either a) use initials instead of your first name, b) found the site, or c) give birth to Lenore.

Duke is the Wayne Gretzky of TNB comments.  If you don’t follow hockey, here is a list of All-Time NHL points leaders by season:

1 Wayne Gretzky C 1985-1986 80 52 163 215 71 46 11 3 6 350
2 Wayne Gretzky C 1981-1982 80 92 120 212 81 26 18 6 12 369
3 Wayne Gretzky C 1984-1985 80 73 135 208 98 52 8 11 7 358
4 Wayne Gretzky C 1983-1984 74 87 118 205 76 39 20 12 11 324
5 Mario Lemieux C 1988-1989 76 85 114 199 41 100 31 13 8 1 1 313
6 Wayne Gretzky C 1982-1983 80 71 125 196 60 59 18 6 9 348
7 Wayne Gretzky C 1986-1987 79 62 121 183 70 28 13 7 4 288
8 Mario Lemieux C 1987-1988 77 70 98 168 23 92 22 10 7 3 2 382
9 Wayne Gretzky C 1988-1989 78 54 114 168 15 26 11 5 5 2 0 303
10 Wayne Gretzky C 1980-1981 80 55 109 164 41 28 15 4 3 261

Belardes is Mario Lemieux, Duke is Wayne Gretzky, and Brad is…Wayne Fencer, of course.

That 416 stands like DiMaggio’s 56.  Actually, it looks like one of those batting averages from the Rogers Hornsby era.  It may never be topped.

But then, records were made to be broken.  Especially Foreigner 4.  God I hate that album.

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