I’m a Diet Cocaholic. I make no bones about it: Diet Coke will rust my bones. Until then, I move much more rapidly than I otherwise would, when I move at all.

Nevertheless, I’m trying my best to begin Diet Coke recovery, fully aware that I’ll fail. Thanks to my Higher Power, I’ve:

  • Admitted I am powerless over my general lethargy and that my life had become unmanageable or at least lacked anything to manage in the first place.
  • Come to believe that a Higher Power can restore me to sanity, and that Higher Power is caffeine.
  • Made a decision to turn my will and life over to the care of caffeine as I understand caffeine, and there’s not much to understand.
  • Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself, which took approximately thirteen seconds due to my amorality.
  • Become entirely ready to have caffeine remove all my defects of character, which is asking a lot of a soft drink, even one that serves as my Higher Power.
  • Humbly asked caffeine to remove my shortcomings, though it doesn’t affect my longcomings.
  • Made a list of all the persons I’ve harmed, but that list was much shorter than the list of people who’ve harmed me, so to hell with it.
  • Continued to take a personal inventory of my refrigerator and, when I realized I wrongly calculated the amount of Diet Coke required for the week, promptly admitted it.
  • Sought to improve my conscious contact with caffeine as I understood caffeine and my knowledge of caffeine’s will for me and the power to carry that will out to the point of absolute mania.
  • Experienced awakening at all as a result of these steps, and carry this message to other addicts, so that they might drink caffeine prior to and after all their affairs, sexual and otherwise.

Twelve bullets for twelve ounces. Now, let’s list a few of the slogans Diet Coke has provided us, along with questions that the Coca-Cola Company might wish to answer:

  • The one of a kind. (Aren’t you forgetting Diet Coke Black Cherry, Diet Coke Vanilla, Diet Coke Light Citra, Diet Coke Plus, Diet Coke Sweetened with Splenda, Diet Coke Light with Lemon, Diet Coke Light with Lime, Diet Coke with Raspberry, and Diet Vanilla Coke?)
  • Taste it all. (Including the backwash?)
  • You are what you drink. (Then why don’t I weigh 12 ounces instead of 200 pounds?)
  • Get the taste of it. (What’s to get?)
  • Live Your Life. (You mean, I have a choice?)
  • Do what feels good. (So you know all Diet Coke drinkers are nihilists?)
  • It’s a Diet Coke thing. (You mean, the plastic bottle? Isn’t that kind of a Pepsi thing, too?)
  • Life is how you take it. (And I take it altered; can you put the cocaine back in?)
  • Light it up! (You think I don’t know that you know that crap makes me paranoid?)
  • What life should be like. (True; can you investigate caffeine gene therapy to eliminate the urination problem?)

Well, it’s official: after 37 years on this planet– 37 years of being chased by homicidal maniacs, trapped in mazes, falling off cliffs, forgetting how to drive stick while the steering wheel comes off in my hands as I navigate particularly treacherous mountain roads, having my teeth fall out when I show up late for school with no pants on only to find my term paper was due the day before, falling into the ocean while clutching my computer which contains the only copy of the book I’m writing, oh and going back to college and finding that somehow I wasn’t assigned a dorm room and have to live on the street oh but I didn’t register anyway and all the classes are full and nobody seems to care about my predicament– um, stop here, sentence too confusing.

I finally had the most fucked-up dream of my life.

If I weren’t listening to Judas Priest right now (Sad Wings of Destiny) I would never have the strength to talk about it. But luckily I am!

So. I had this dream. And in my dream, I was in… Walgreen’s!