It’s Friday, you guys. And, it’s Rapture’s Eve! If you’re smart, you’ll gather with friends tonight, order a pizza and spend your last few hours laughing and having fun. But you can’t have an end-of-the-world pizza party without jokes! Feel free to use one of these.

  1. What do pizzas and the Jersey Shore cast have in common?
    It’s fine to slice them up and leave their remains in a box in the trash.
  2. What’s the difference between an M Night Shyamalan movie and a pizza?
    Pizzas are good.
  3. How is being a delivery pizza like dating Chris Brown?
    Eventually you get shoved in a box and thrown into a car.
  4. What’s the difference between Sarah Palin and a pizza?
    One of them would make a great president. The other one is Sarah Palin.
  5. Why is a pizza better than Elizabethtown?
    Everything’s better than that piece of shit movie.
  6. How are a pizza and a Dave Matthews Band CD alike?
    You should never put either one in your CD player.
  7. What’s the difference between a new baby and an old pizza?
    One goes in the garbage, the other one goes in the fridge.
    (or) You can’t have sex with an old pizza
    (or) One came out of your vagina, the other is a baby*
  8. What’s the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
    My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
  9. A pizza walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Fuck off, Donny! I told you to get out!” The pizza knocks over a chair as he leaves.

*Props to/apologies from Matt Tobey for those alternate punchlines.

I have a weird obsession with religious figures. I’m not very well versed in theology, and I’m not even all that interested in it, but time after time I find myself including Jesus, God and Satan as characters in the things I write.